Moldova ended up being a little gem of a country, especially the capitol where we were at, Chisinau (pronounced key-she-now). It was quite a nice place, especially their city center where the Park was. We even got to stay in a cozy little house for the month!
Honestly, though, my month while in Moldova was hard. Back while we had first gotten to Romania, we’d had debrief in Brazov. They talked to us about finishing well. I was feeling good and excited about the last leg of my race, and wanted to make it the best it could be. Then we got to our ministry location and faced a LOT of spiritual warfare. It was difficult and exhausting facing all of it. So by the time I got to Moldova, I was burnt out. I was tired, I was homesick, depressed, and over the race. I was feeling so many things, negative things, towards my team and just everything in general. It was at this time that I began acting very selfishly…or maybe I wasn’t acting more selfish but I was certainly becoming more aware of my selfishness, irritability, and bad attitude. As I became more aware, I shrunk back even more from my team, and began to hate myself a little bit because of who I was being.
At the time, all I could thing was how horrible I was, and I didn’t know how to change it. I would pray, then I would cry, but then I would get around my team and not try with my whole heart to love them well, and I wasn’t actively choosing joy. Its because I couldn’t, my heart was elsewhere. It was back home in Tennessee, not in Moldova.
I kept thinking of this verse, “Oh, wretched man that I am! Who will ever release me from this body of death?” But I was, again, too caught up on myself, My struggles, my sadness, and maybe even a little pride to see the answer. It was ridiculous really, looking back. Because if I’d kept reading after that verse, the answer is Christ. Paul says there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ! “For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death.” That is the good news and the hope. I was just too blind at the time to see, that I was already set free from this bondage. I just had to reach out and accept it…realize the gift I’d already been given. I was just focusing too much on fleshly things and not enough on the spirit. It goes on to say, “For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.”
Im about to be really real, and this is hard. The truth is depression is something I’ve struggled with in the past. I never thought it would hit me on the race, out here living this amazing dream. However, satan and his minions are everywhere, prowling around like a lion looking for someone to devour. No one is exempt from him. Somewhere along the way, the enemy got a foothold on me, and I began believing his lies, instead of God’s truth. I just lost sight of the sunshine for a while, but even though there are clouds or storms, the sun is always there, and God was with me through it all, every step of the way.
I brought some of these feelings with me to my last month in Montenegro. I felt drained, and like I didn’t have anything else to give anymore. I also struggled with the fact that, thinking back on my race, I have been blessed so much and had it so good, and asking God why? I didn’t deserve that. But then again, I don’t deserve anything good really, none of us do. I was baffled by God’s determination to bless me, to love me, without reserve.
I don’t understand how Christians are supposed to view or deal with depression. In my mind, no christian should ever be depressed! We have been given so much, in Christ! I know this in my mind but my heart forgets it and still gets sad sometimes and I don’t even know why. These rare times, even getting out of bed becomes a struggle. If you haven’t experienced it then you just won’t understand, but if you have you’ll know, I’m not crazy. I don’t know how it all works, but I just had to keep digging deep, trying to do things I love, and dwell on all the wonderful reasons I have to be happy, and Choose Joy! Sometimes its harder than others, but it can be done. Its comforting to know that Jesus was human once, and he understands.
Even through all of that, I still loved to go to ministry every dayday in Moldova, to see the girls at the transit home we worked with. They were very special to me that month. And while we were there, God gave some small blessings, like they had some puppies and we could play with them. Puppies can put a smile on my face quicker than anything. But I really loved spending time with the girls. We even got to celebrate Moldovan thanksgiving with them!
Now I am in Montenegro. I am in a beautiful place. I even got to wear a tank top and shorts last week. I am facing the last three weeks of this 11 month adventure. I have come a long way. The end may have been a challenge, but that is okay. I made it through the wilderness. I want to finish well, and I feel like I can do that now.
I know that God is my shelter and refuge, he wants good things for us and he wants us to be happy. But he wants us to be able to find happiness in any situation. And to serve others, and sometimes that means just doing things for the people who live with you or right next to you. Sometimes that is the hardest to do, but you do it anyway. That’s what I’m learning. I don’t have all the answers, but I know I don’t have to. He is my strength, my guide. He loves me so much, I hope I never loose sight of this again!!
