As I was getting ready for bed one night this past week, completely exhausted and wanting nothing more than to lay my head on my pillow, I found myself incapable of reaching for the switch to turn off my light. To my reluctance, I sat there under my covers instead replaying a conversation I had had earlier that day.
The subject of the particular conversation was not what kept me up, but it was rather my reaction and response in the midst of the conversation that irritated me the most. I knew even while the conversation was occurring that my initial response to the opening statement was so selfish that I couldn’t believe I had actually said it. The conversation came about because the person with whom I was having the discussion simply wanted my opinion about something, but I was too busy to be bothered with it at that moment. So out of my own selfishness and self-concern I hastily gave my shortest reply and went about my more important business.
I didn’t even pause. I didn’t even consider the feelings of this individual. I never stepped out of my world to show value to the other person.
In that moment, I did not love.
For something that I have consciously been asking God to grow in me over the past year, I did a terrible job of loving as Jesus did. The fact that my opinion was asked means that my thoughts were valued by the person with whom I was conversing, yet I couldn’t see outside of my self to realize that at that moment. That in itself should have spurred me to stop for a second and give my undivided attention to the question at hand. But even if my opinion weren’t being asked, I should have paused long enough to show value and significance to another human being.
After all, the two greatest commands are to love God and to love others.
In my selfishness, I was inconsiderate, rude, self-seeking, impatient. Everything but loving. My flesh roared its ugly head and conviction fell upon me in that instance, and in that evening as I reflected on my actions. I know this one moment seems small and insignificant, but I have noticed a pattern in me with this person. I can love a thousand people well, but if I don’t love one person well, do I love at all? The Lord did not say “love whom you choose to love” or “love only those who are easy to love,” but love all. He says He is love and if we do not love, we do not know Him.
I hate my flesh. But every time I mess up, I am humbled. I am reminded that Christ continues to mold me in his likeness, that he is “putting [me] into the fire, refining [me] as one refines silver, and testing [me] as gold is tested.” He is turning up the heat and removing the impurities. Though it be not easy, it is in love, with love and for love.
