Cops, lights, crime scene….. This is what my street looked like for multipale days this week. This week a man was shot while I was fast asleep only two houses down. It has rattled a couple of people living in the area. What was my reaction? " Do they really have to keep the lights flashing 24/7?" It seemed that I had no reaction to what was going on. Am I lacking compassion and emotion? While reflecting I realized that emotion is something that seems to have faded from my day to day life for ahwile! No, I am not cold hearted and unaware of my surroundings. Sometimes the case of PMS gets to me and I think commercials are worthy of my tears. Yet it feels like the majority of situations aren't having much of an effect on me. Why?
Thinking back to a year ago I was overwhelmed with feelings. There was frustration, passion, confusion, joy, love, determination…. everything! I was in a location that finally felt like home but I had no choice but to leave. I was also surrounded by people I loved but knew I may never see them again. I had opened my heart and let it get changed.
Then I said goodbye!
At first it was really hard and it lead to losing people close to my heart. I felt like I had lost a battle because I let my emotions get a hold of me. I hate the idea of being weak but that is the way I felt. So I decided it was time to "close" the door to my emotions. I wasn't really aware that I was doing it until this summer, when I returned. To the place that I said goodbye to. There was a problem though. I didn't miss anyone and leaving was no longer difficult. Was I now in control of my emotions or I had I lost a part of who I am? The soft hearted girl who cares without holding back.
So it wasn't the murder that pushed me into realization it was a 5 year old boy! After hanging out one afternoon with my litle cousin we made a trip to Starbucks for a treat! While I was paying for my drink I felt two litte arms wrap around my legs. Walls down and my heart melted! So I am ready to get back to a part of me that I have tried to forget. Even if emotions make me feel weak they also make me more aware of what God has given me and surrounded me with. When reading about the way Christ lived his life, He did not lack passion and feeling! Now I know there is a happy medium between pouring out and shutting off, I will find it.
I heard a quote that stuck out ot me this week- "Sometimes saying goodbye is hard and sometimes it is impossible" I understand that and I embrace it. God is preparing me and I feel it rising.
Lord, fan the flame in my weary soul! Light the fire, Spirit make me whole!
