I have an issue. I dive in head first with the intention of overcoming it. Yet it continues to haunt me. I am sure by now you are already wondering what it is!
I ALWAYS buy my clothes to big.
It isn’t on purpose; I go with full intentions to buy clothes that fit properly. There must be a fairy that swaps out my clothes for larger sizes during my drive back home! When I go to put on the clothes they don’t seem to be the same. Either they are falling down or I am wearing a potato sack. This doesn’t seem like a very big deal, it is just clothes right? Well, it goes farther than that. So let me back this story up.
“Follower” “Fat tub-a-lub” – Words spoken to me at a young age. The boys in my class were not very sensitive to a girls changing body. I look back now and realize I was normal….. I was even kind of cute! Yet the target was put on my back by a heart that couldn’t fight back.
“Freshman 15” – For most this happens when they graduate from high school and move to college; it is almost expected. For me it happened in Grade 10, I moved out, ate cafeteria food that is worse than any college I have seen! So at 15 years old I went through the emotions of a freshman college student plus being cooped up in an all-girls Catholic boarding school. The next two years of high school were a whirlwind of working those dreaded extra pounds off!
It seemed the more toned I got the more attention I would receive. Obviously my value was placed in the way that I looked, right?
“Nuh, degosh bugah” – Not a clue if that is the correct spelling but I have heard it come out of my grandma’s mouth multiple times as she inspects my jeans. It means fat ass. Luckily that is one aspect of my body that I have never dreaded! Yet it rings in a girl’s ear as she stands in front of a mirror inspecting how she could “be better” or be more by becoming less.
So I have been through a whirlwind of a weight struggle. I went through round two of gaining a freshman 15 when I attended Beauty School, not the best place to feel like an ugly duckling. Lies bombarded my mind as I tried to hold on to the truths that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a social butterfly, I love being around people, yet many nights I spent dreading going out due to the way I looked. Approval for my beauty was a craving that could not be fulfilled. It was time to change, my view, my life-style and my self-esteem.
A couple years and 25 pounds lighter, I am changed. My body is a temple; it is a precious gift that I must treat with respect. The more I nurture and care for my body, the more I have learnt to love it and embrace its differences. I have learned I enjoy running (most of the times), the stress it relieves the more that I sweat is addicting! Discipline, leadership, and confidence are key elements that have been taught to me through this process. It is has made all the difference. I am a different girl, not merely by the way I look on the outside but in the way that I carry myself. I am not the same girl with a target on my back, instead I aim to remove the target from others backs. Adjusting to a new body is difficult. There are times when I still see myself the way I used to be, mainly when I am shopping. Some things will never change; I will always have what my family calls “mom arms”. Hopefully one day those arms will be put to their proper use! I am sure this all sounds like a revolutionary idea (not!). We have all heard this gong be hit numerous times, yet change is so far away! Confidence doesn’t show up overnight. You can write your insecurities on a piece of paper and burn them or throw them in a trash can as many times as you want; but if you don’t do anything about the way they are chiseled in your mind nothing will change. God had the grace to give me a new canvas to design on.
I have been redeemed. The best lesson I have learned is my identity, wrapped up in the Lord. I am not perfect and it gets challenged multiple times. The lies beg to come back…. Sometimes for a period of time I let them; only for God to wake me into a reality of who He is. I choose to be in His blessing and seeking His truths. To be constantly changing and growing, in spirit and not in size, has become my new goal. I would be lying if I said that I got the same amount of attention now as I did when I was bigger. Now I receive comments, looks, and have been asked on more “dates” than ever before. It has been a huge relief to realize that is not what I was seeking. None of that makes me feel worthy, only an object. What makes the change is where I stand with myself and that I can look to God honoring His gift to me. Embracing your body, mind, and heart has ALWAYS been the true meaning of beauty. You have flaws… I like them! God led me to a verse that became the definition of my heart and life – Isaiah 61:1. Protect yourself and run to the Word for your own definition. Find it — You are worth it!!
This struggle will continue and I am prepared for battle! They day will come when I will buy the correct size at the store…. I will celebrate with some homemade pie!
-For the men, tell the women in your life the way that they shine. Without intention, without being a creep, and without reservation! The respect and admiration of a man in a girl’s life can do wonders! You have the ability to build up or tear down. Objectifying tears down, it provides a foothold for the lies.
