Being really honest, since Training Camp my faith took a sharp, deep nose dive. A whirlwind of issues and events that I don’t think I was ready to deal with came right up in my business, and I was really, really down for a while. Now see, I just wrote, “I don’t think I was ready to deal with” and maybe I wasn’t ready; but Jesus was ready to be beside me as I was hurting, lost, scared confused, and full of doubt.
To be even more honest, I’m still hurting, still confused, still not completely sure of exactly why I’m going on the World Race. Thankfully, right in this moment, I’m FINALLY letting myself accept that it’s ok that I’m not completely sure of why I’m going. It’s ok that I’m not ok right now; it’s ok that I don’t have the answer RIGHT now, at this very second. For a while I was getting myself into a hot mess, bumming because God hasn’t placed a specific group of people on my heart ( YET) that I feel directly called to minister to. Honestly, I don’t even have a ‘country that I’m most excited to go to.’
I just feel that this (the World Race) is what I should do.
Earlier today, I was talking to a squad mate and I said to her, “I just want to love on everyone. When I see little kids, I want to love on them, when I see teenagers I want to love on them, when I see old people, I want to love on them.” As the words were coming out of my mouth, freedom was bustin’ out as I stopped beating myself up for not having a specific group, and began to celebrate the fact that He designed me to be extremely versatile with the Love He’s entrusted to me to give to others.
Why would He give ME all of this Love to give out in so many directions? I didn’t do anything to deserve such an honor, and to be honest, I don’t think I’m super stellar at receiving or giving it most of the time, but you know what? How I perceive it doesn’t really matter, because the Truth of the situation is, I don’t have to have all of my junk together before I can be used for God’s glory, in fact I won’t ever, ever have all of it together (not on this earth anyway.) If I had to wait until I could get all of my junk together to be used by God, everyone would be waiting for a long, LONG time. Plus, God would much rather use me in my brokenness now because that way He gets to do what He does best.
Whatever I believe about myself and my abilities, the Truth of the matter is this:
AIM believes in me.
The A Squad believes in me.
My team believes in me.
and extremely importantly,
God believes in me.
Those statements are the Cornerstone of Truth that I’ll continue to build my house on for the rest of the evening. I’m just so incredibly thankful for those slabs of Truth on my plate.
Yeah, Imma soak that in. YUM. : ]
Love you, faithful readers! ‘Til next time….
