Emotional
honesty. Not too long ago I would have considered being ’emotionally honest’ a
weakness. After the past 6 months however, I now consider it healthy.
It
all began in Ecuador. One morning at breakfast I told my team that I was going
to do an experiment. Every time I was/am in a negative mood I tell my team as
immediately as possible. For example if I wake up and am frustrated, even if I
don’t know why, I will just state it. After doing the experiment for a while I
realized that speaking it out loud defused the mood faster than normal. Now
this has become a pretty natural part of my life, I would even venture to say
that it has drastically improved my overall frame of mind.
(The
following paragraph was written 2 weeks ago.)
But
what happens when it all goes wrong? Today I found out. Today we woke up,
packed up, and headed out for a long day. I am wearing my travel cloths, which
I now describe as schlumy, and it is incredibly hot which equates to sweat in
my world. So now I am sweaty and exhausted and it is 9:00am. Then we get in the
car for about an hour and a half. We stopped for laundry and an internet break.
This was the highlight of my day. My amazing sister, Kristy, got up at 4:00am
EST to talk to me on skype! Here is where it goes down hill. At this point I am
schlumy, sweaty, tired, and hungry. Our amazing contacts took us to a
restaurant on the beach. I ordered the safest thing on the menu, chicken
fingers… they were not very good to say the least. Still hungry. No worries, I
get to see and touch the Indian Ocean for the first time right? Right.
Unfortunately the Indian Ocean also decided to suck my purse into it’s waters.
Now I am schlumy, sweaty, tired, hungry, wet, sandy (side note: I think sand
may be from the devil), and my purse and everything in it (camera and ipod
included) are full of the Indian Ocean. Grrrrrrrrrrr! It’s ok though;
everything still works… at least for now. So I go clean everything up as best I
can, put it all in a plastic bag and get back in the car to head to the mall.
(Side note 2: malls are about as intimidating to me as washing machines at this
point.) We needed several things before leaving for Mozambique so we went to
Checkers. It is about the equivalent of a Super Wal-mart in the states.
Overwhelmed doesn’t really do justice to how I felt. But it was necessary and I
headed to the pharmacy. That is where I found out that the waters of the Indian
Ocean had caught up with my ipod. Dead. Right there I almost lost it. I turned
to Kayla and with all the emotional honesty I had in me said, “I’m about to
loose it.” Then I walked away. I spent the rest of my time in Checkers holding
back tears and trying my very best not to have a panic attack. (Panic attack
from the sheer volume of stuff and people, not because of the ipod.) Now I am
schlumy, sweaty, tired, hungry, wet, sandy, my purse and everything in it
(camera and ipod included) are full of the Indian Ocean, and the ipod is
currently sitting in a bag of rice. Please Jesus let that work!
Ok,
so here is the thing, that was an awful lot of word vomit from a few weeks ago.
Today my ipod still isn’t working, I’m still sweaty and schlumy, and the
thought of a Wal-mart makes me want to vomit. But when it all goes wrong it is
ok to be ok with not being ok. Following? Basically, there are times in life
when everything is going to go wrong, and as petty as those things may seem you
don’t have to put a smile on your face and pretend it is all good. Sometimes
being emotionally honest means that you have to sit with your honest emotions
and allow God to grow you and heal you from something more than a broken ipod.
For me the issue was trust. I needed to come to terms with the fact that my
life right now, and the unknown of the future, is overwhelming me. Allowing
myself to feel that and be honest about that opened up the door for me to take
those anxieties to God and learn to trust Him more.
I
still have no idea what is going to happen, and there are times I still feel
overwhelmed, but God is continually reminding me to be honest with Him and
through that I am experiencing His peace.
“Grace
and peace to you from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ.” Ephesians 1:2
Many
Blessings,
Kim
