A Vision of Stephen (no not Chun and no not my cousin either.)

It was five minutes past eight and seven or
eight of us were running late. Finally, together we ventured out of our air
conditioned three star hotel (a blessing I didn’t have all month in Cambodia)
to make our way to a worship service (another blessing) fifteen minutes away. I
didn’t know where we were headed because it was Wrecking Ball’s ministry, and I
happily followed three of them to the ministry location. I couldn’t wait to
finally worship in English (no offence to those who don’t worship in English), something
I hadn’t had for two months!!!!

I have ALWWAYS struggled with who I am,
where I belong, and what is my purpose in life. To be quite frank, I’ve always
felt who I’m suppose to be in life is someone’s wife, where I belonged was next
to my husband, and my purpose was to be a perfect godly wife to him – ( yeah I
know a little much for a young 21 year old but it’s the truth). With how my
life turned out in my hands I feel like God obviously has other plans for me
(not saying that I will NEVER get married, I hope to someday be content with
the idea if He does “golry to God”, and if He doesn’t “glory to God”, that is
still being worked on). But to fulfill my life’s purpose I have ALWAYS looked
at those next to me and have compared myself with them (another thing God is
DEFINITLY working OUT of me) and I have coveted WHATEVER they had from clothes,
to body image, personality, relationship with God, and male attention (yeah, I
know. Sick. Right!). I coveted that they knew who they were and I didn’t, they
had an idea of what they wanted to do after this trip and I didn’t, that they
were confident in themselves and I wasn’t, that they knew they were
fellowshipping in the Holy Spirit and I didn’t.

So we went to worship.

My body automatically relaxed when it hit
the chair. I was home (in the sense of worship that is). I wasn’t floundering
any more, and I felt excited to sing and just be in His presence. A beautiful
YWAM girl, (we were at a YWAM base in Siem Reap) started to play guitar and we
began to sing a few songs like: You Are Beautiful My Sweet, Sweet Song, the
Romans 8:31 song, and Holiness, Holiness. With eyes closed and hands raised, I
poured my heart out in worship to my King, moving to the songs that played
-songs that I for-sure knew.

The Stand, a song I didn’t recognize at
first, projected onto the wall. When the beautiful YWAM-er hit the chorus, my
heart recognized the song immediately and leapt in anticipation of its bridge,
and I just poured myself out in prayer over the lyrics:

I’ll
stand

With
arms high, and heart abandoned

In
awe

Of
the One who made it all

I’ll
stand

My
soul, Lord, to You surrendered

All I
am is Yours

If ever there was a chorus out there that
could explain all I wanted for my life, that was the one. I wanted God to move
in me, make Himself known in me that I knew beyond a shadow of ANY doubt who IS
my Master, to NEVER get lost again in someone else in search/hope of what I
have always thought my purpose in life was, to be completely like Him in all
things, to love Him like He loves me, to make Him proud of me, to be one with
my God and King, to distinctly see His face and hear His voice, to intimately
know God and have such a deep, soul binding fellowship and relationship with
Him.

The bridge was sung over and over and my
heart poured out more and more. Then, I saw the visi

My lips singing the song on my lips, my
face joyous, and shining like an angels face, I automatically knew who I was
and what was happening. And right when the thought occurred to me I say the
stones fall out of the suns rays.

I was Stephen. You know the Biblical one in
Acts 6 and 7. A thought that I would normally be afraid of because I am too
self-obsessed (not in an “I’m perfect” way) to be joyous over death. To be honest,
I am normally scared of death, especially over a death by persecution. And
there for one minute in the middle of an out-pour of praise to the one person
my life SHOULD revolve around and who I earnestly want it to revolve around, I
was JOYOUSLY dying for my faith.