Amidst charismatic praise, people with hands in air, presumably filled with the Holy Spirit, I found myself struggling to discern God’s presence from that of contagious emotion.
But why? What makes it difficult for me to believe that I could experience God’s love for me personally? What makes it hard for me to trust in God’s goodness, not as some abstract idea, but as a love specifically and intimately directed towards me?
Why did I feel so on guard against being brainwashed to believe that God actually does care about Kiki — in particular?
I’ve been given very reasonable tools to uncover some of the barriers to my inability to trust certain truths about God, specifically in regards to how He sees me, and much of it is rooted in lies I’ve easily believed. The “less worth” and worthlessness of the “other” being one of the main players. It’s hurtful enough that society and the world shamelessly peddle such lies, but hurtful becomes tragic when the church itself distorts God’s character.
It’s not an issue of self-esteem; frankly, who cares what I think of myself if the God of the universe has an opinion that matters. It’s an issue of understanding how God sees me and the worth He has applied to my life. I struggle to focus on that truth while ignoring the barrage of lies and falsehoods that work, quite effectively indeed, to form a wedge of distrust.
At every turn I’m finding “Christians” at the forefront of rampant dehumanization of the “other” by society, a society where if you can instill enough fear of “the other” you can discriminate, abuse and ultimately kill with immunity. Instead of proclaiming people should be transformed into the likeness of Christ, I’m told my worth is contingent on how well I can conform to the image of an appropriately patriotic American Christian.
This is reality. But the truly damaging part is, perhaps unknowingly, Christians in my immediate sphere of influence have been reinforcing the idea that God loves people differently. Folks have been quick to rightly acknowledge that injustice against the other is the way of the world. However, for example, my father never follows that up with, “it’s not the way of the Lord.” He can clearly articulate that God uses trials to build our character, but he’s never told me that God doesn’t require us to suffer injustice quietly to prove our christianness.
No one has ever told me that God does not see me as the other. That God is not waiting for me to be more American before He will love me. God has not left anyone in charge of distributing His favor in ways they see fit. God does not see you as society sees you. He knows your worth, and it is as much in Christ as anyone else’s. God is in control, God hates injustice, He loves you, and He can be trusted.
For the first time, it was freeing for me to experience affirmation of God’s love, from God alone and from no one else, including AIM. Freeing to be absolutely certain that God sees me in ways no one else does.
He doesn’t love me for anything I’ve done or not done.
God loves me prodigiously.
I can stand on that. I can walk, run and go forth on that. I can trust in that. I can believe.
I’m happy to report that instead of coming away with my brain washed, I was able to experience a heart cleansing. I’ve committed to growing in my faith and trusting in God’s goodness. It’s my prayer that when the lies come at me, in both subtle and obvious deliveries, I can stand firm on truth.
“There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” – Galatians 3:28
