I’ve been running pretty ragged lately. Demands at work, demands at home, demands from AIM, unexpected drama…just too much, and I was burning out. The problem was not simply burning out, it was that I was not recharging AND had no opportunity for recharge in the foreseeable future.
You see, I recharge solely alone, and during training camp we were told that we’d never ever ever ever ever be alone during the race ever. I could have quit right then and there. And recently, the thought alone was enough to bring me to the brink of full out panic.
That’s not a small thing to say to someone who only gets energy from being recharged alone. Imagine – I’m sitting here thinking that my battery will run out on week 1 and I wont be able to ever charge it again the entire race. What type of energy I will run on? Will I be immediately sent home? Will I turn into a zombie?
I knew then that if I didn’t take a break, I wouldn’t make it to the race, much less through it. So for the sake of my sanity, I decided to have a long weekend – alone. It was one of those very quick decisions, but I felt it was right when I made it. I just knew it.
Well, I felt good but my parents didn’t. As I was preparing to leave they were ranting about safety, unrest, strife and terrorism. I eventually said, “Everything will be ok. Be positive please.” Finally, they said, ok let’s pray before you leave. Bingo. After that I went from good to great.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7
I didn’t need a lot, just a chance to hit the reset button. Like I said, I was at the crossroad of “not gonna make it” and “definitely not gonna make it”
Can I just tell you? God showed up BIG TIME! God showed me that He does care about my sanity, in a very major way. All I asked for was some simple time alone. And God showed me the most marvelous alone time that I don’t even have the imagination to ask or believe for.
But as it is written, 'What no eye has seen, nor ear heard, nor the heart of man imagined, what God has prepared for those who love him' – 1 Corinthians 2: 9
I wasn’t just locked away in a room, which is mainly how I imagine getting time alone, but God gave me vast deserts and empty beaches to myself. If I told you the story, you’d think I invented a fairy tale. Glory!
That reassurance has done something great for my confidence going forward. The reassurance that he cares, and knows exactly what I need, and delivers on that. It’s indescribable. And I can go into this WR knowing, empirically, that God will not leave me hanging on this one. He knows my personality, my needs, and my heart better than anyone. There will be pain, and struggle, and hardship, but God is not asking me to practice self-flagellation to be a racer. I’m sure I’ll experience more breaking points, but it’s good to know that God is still in control, and that’s the best thing to hope for. He knows exactly what I need to regroup, recharge and be “ok.”
Deep sigh – I’m ready.
I didn't really almost quit, but I definitely worried that I would dig an 11 month grave without my sanity. Thankfully, I’m ready to carry on wrapping up race preparation. Closing out activities at home. Saying bye. Final fundraising. I’m ready to keep going. And I don’t have to worry that I’ll start the race burned out with zero chance of recovery for the duration. Relief.
“Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.” – Ephesians 3:20
