A year ago today, I had a plan.
A plan to move 5 hours away from my family and where I call “home.”
A plan to get married soon after that move.
A plan for a new job.
A plan for my entire future basically.
And then one day all my plans came crashing down suddenly. God took the person that most of my plans included away from me. And just like that I was totally clueless, heartbroken and lost.
I tried to make new plans, all of which failed. I tried to find ways to take away my pain. I got angry, blamed others for what God had been doing because it hurt so bad. I tried to fill the void in my heart with friends, I would dwell on my sadness and how angry I was with God and this guy that walked out of my life. Nothing did anything to make me feel better obviously, it all just hurt me worse.
My friend told me I needed to let go of that anger and start praying for my future, start praying for this guy that I loved, because if you’re genuinely praying for someone, it’s much harder to be angry at them. So that’s what I did, I prayed and prayed and prayed. I prayed for answers, closure, I prayed for my future and his, I prayed that the Lord would take the pain away. And for months He didn’t, and every day it hurt and the pain consumed me to be honest.
During this time, my uncle Keith, my grandmother, and my great-grandfather passed away, my mom had a miscarriage, and my other grandmother was diagnosed with cancer. I tried to ignore the pain, to push it away. But that didn’t help at all either.
In October the Lord grabbed a hold of my heart, he said “Look to me, let me be your joy in this time of sadness.” He taught me the difference between Joy and Happiness. Happiness is an emotion while joy is s state of mind. You can be joyful, having the joy of the Lord while still being sad about life’s circumstances. During this time I was also starting to plan an overseas internship that I would hopefully be starting the following August.
In November the Lord finally answered some of my prayers and gave some closure concerning my previous relationship. I was able to see him and talk about things a little bit. I left so happy, thanking God for that answer to my prayers.
Time went on and my relationship with the Lord got stronger every day. Letting go of that anger really helped I believe! I began to put more of a priority than ever before about getting up early to do my devotions and it made a huge difference. I think for the first time in a long time I actually had a hunger and a thirst for the Word of God. I woke up excited to get into His word. I would be at work thinking about how as soon as I got home I was going to pull out my bible and read more.
At this time I also went on a missions trip to Haiti where I learned about the World Race. Still at this point I was planning on doing that overseas internship. But after my time in Haiti and finding out more info about world race, God began to change my heart and suddenly, once again flipped MY plans upside down in order to show me His.
It’s not easy when the Lord flips things upside down and even though I still don’t fully understand what He’s doing and it’s painful, I know it’s worth it. I’m happy that he flipped my plans upside down in order to meet His plans. And I cannot wait to see where He takes me! Starting with World Race and then for the rest of my life.
