I figured as it is my last week here in the States before I launch I should write something giving you my thoughts, feelings, in general just my emotional state regarding the Race.
As I was getting ready for church this morning, out of NOWHERE, I start to cry looking at the map that sits above my bed. At first I don't know why I am crying…or I'll instantly make excuses for myself like "oh, you're just nervous," or "you're just being emotional." But this morning, I know it's neither of those things.
I'm crying because there are so many people who don't know Him, intimately, like I know Him.
I'm crying because I don't know how God is going to wreck my life this year.
I'm crying because I know I'm going to want to empty an ocean with an eyedropper, figuratively speaking.
I'm crying because I know I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.
I don't know what I'm going to see with these eyes that's going to bring me to my knees.
I don't know what awaits me on the other side of the world that is going to make me weep, unashamedly.
I don't know how God is going to ruin me for the ordinary in a village far from my home.
I don't know what I'll be like when I get back.
The more and more I think about it, and considering my emotional state this morning, I realize I'm not afraid of being unsafe, I'm not afraid of the dangers in the world, I'm not afraid of sickness or disease.
My biggest fear is of what He is going to do to me. How He is going to show me the things in this world that are devastating to my soul, how He is going to break my heart for people I don't even know, and how His love is going to absolutely ruin me to everything I thought I knew before.
This is not a year long vacation, a trip to fulfill my wanderlust, an adventure for just fun, or a journey to make everyone believe that I'm a good Christian.
No, I'm going because He asked me to love Him first and everyone on this planet out of that love.
So, I'm taking my biggest fears and insecurities and tears in my 65 Liter pack and I'm going to go seek Him with all of my heart and seek out His people who need His love.
Jesus, do everything you need to do to me so that you might do everything you want to do through me.
