This month has been great. And really hard.
Ready for some honesty? This blog isn’t for a pity party, complaint, or doubt. It’s just where I’m at.
I don’t think I even admitted to myself until this morning that I’ve been struggling. Physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Physically, I LOVE, love, love this country, but this country doesn’t really like my body. I’ve been sick more this month than I have the past 2 months, from food, pollution, and other random things. It keeps me from being involved fully and has forced me to bed some days, which I hate. I also have a plantar strain of some sort, which makes walking painful, but I need to walk everyday and everywhere.
Emotionally, I have been missing home a lot. And I don’t really ever get homesick. I miss my people, and I miss being really known by people at home. It comes and goes in waves, but it struck me hard this morning. As well, I’m emotionally struggling with the language barrier and the fact that I can’t communicate clearly what I want to say, or even be able to share Jesus in a way that they could understand what I’m saying, or simply go deep as I am known to do.
Spiritually, I haven’t had any sort of “high” or felt God’s overwhelming presence in anyway here. I find myself everyday asking Him “why?” or “where are you?” or “what are you doing?” Waiting for His presence to just slam me in the face, growing more and more hungry for Him, His power, and His presence, but finding no satisfaction for my hunger. I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff waiting for God to push me off. Waiting for Him to show up in some spectacular, jaw-dropping way. Waiting, waiting, waiting.
You know, coming on this trip we talked so much about how the Holy Spirit fills us and how much we can experience His power if we tap into it, but if I’m being totally vulnerable I haven’t felt anything out of the ordinary from my normal walk. But I so desire to. And I think to myself, God, don’t you see my hunger and desire? Isn’t that enough for you to show up and blow my mind?
Here, I often find myself being a doubting Thomas, asking for His power to be shown TO me instead of resting in the fact that His power is already IN me. It’s like I’m asking for a miracle to happen for the sake of myself and my doubts instead of wanting His glory to be known.
What’s up with that?
I think God wants me to be in this place of struggle. I think He’s teaching me something not forthright, but quietly, and subtly. I think He wants to ask me, “If I didn’t speak to you for 40 years or show you one miracle, would you still be faithful and obedient to Me?”
Good question.
Following Jesus is hard. But on the really bad days, in the midst of the struggles, do I choose to throw in the towel on my prayers and hopes and longings? Or do I wait for Him? “Commit all your ways to the Lord, TRUST in Him, and He will act.” Will I commit to my own ways or His? Will I follow Him even when I have no idea where I should go?
Would I be faithful and obedient to the Most High and Only God if I didn’t see one miracle or one healing my whole life? Will I wait upon the Lord in the midst of my struggles and doubts and waverings?
Yeah, I will.
I want God to invade every part of my life, every crevice of my soul, and every part of my being, and to be really honest, I don’t feel like He has…or maybe I haven’t let Him. I don’t want Him to be the God of sometimes, but the God of all times. I don’t want to talk about Him like He’s not in the room. I want Him more and more to strip me of all that I am and fill it with Him, but it’s like I’m waiting on something to happen in order for me to let Him fully in. Craving but feeling empty.
God, I know You’re listening. I know You’re there. I want more of You and less of me, but I need You to show me and I will wait for You until You move.
