hi 🙂
I’m still trying to find a balance with blogging and sharing while on the field. I feel like my head is moving a million miles a minute and it’s hard to bring concision to it all sometimes. But the Lord wants stillness for me. He has been doing so much in and around me and I gotta put it here in black and white.
Since my last post, my squad wrapped up all-squad month in Medellín, Colombia. Some of the things we were doing in the later part of the month were kids camp, english club, sunday school, etc. Because the ministry we were working with is so multi-faceted, we were all over the place for month 1. No 2 days were alike. I have been someone that values routine in the past. And I’m learning now that when I put so much pressure on myself to stay structured, I allow less room for Holy Spirit to blow me where He wants me to go. I miss what He has. Who He has. It used to make me cringe not to make a plan and follow it. That didn’t go away overnight, but I can hear that He is asking me to turn my trust up, keep my eyes open, and walk through my days, marked with serenity. That’s how Jesus lived. The person right in front of me can be the priority and I trust the Father with the rest.
Not gonna lie, it hurt to say goodbye. There was a rainbow over Medellín the morning we left. It made me smile. I knew He was trying to comfort us in our bittersweetness. The ministry we had been in, Ciudad Refugio, was the city of refuge, indeed. In the truest sense of the word. I have a feeling that’s going to be the hardest part for me for the next 10 months. I’ve never been good at goodbyes. Something becomes home and just when you are head over heels for a place and its people, you have to leave it. The Lord knew this, and he gave us about 30 hours on a bus getting to Ecuador. Lots of needed time to let my heart ache for a minute before preparing for what was next. Also btw, Ecuador is BEAUTIFUL. Like, insanely amazing. He was gracious to give us 30 hours to sit and wonder at crazy views.
Our leadership and full squad all met in Baños, Ecuador for a 4-day debrief. We used this time to sit with the Lord and each other to process and highlight the chapters of month 1 and really sit in them and ponder what the Lord intended for us to get out of it all. We also got to explore the city a little, which brought me so much life. I swung off a mountain. That was divine. Debrief brought intense healing to wounds in me that I really didn’t even know existed. The Lord unpacked soooo much in the deepest chambers of my heart. I would have told you a few months ago that when I found my broken pieces, I allowed Jesus to repair them. I know now that I had been withholding. Not letting Him speak into my shame. Doubting that I could ever be whole. Somewhere inside me, I didn’t think even the King of the universe could do anything with my damage and sin. The fact of the matter is that I will be fragmented this side of Heaven, but He comes to bring full healing and that starts now. He CARES about what we do in this life.
I really really loved this time. Because of my analytical brain, I have a tendency to finish something, and immediately start the next thing. One of my continuous prayers for this season of my life is that I would get the very most out of it. I’ve been realizing it is entirely a choice— the Lord will do what He’s going to do. He’s good because He’s good because He’s good. But it’s up to me whether or not I step into it. Most days, I still can’t believe he ordained this season for me. I really really want to look back at it knowing I brought everything to Him and let Him work deeply in and through me.
My team and I made it to Portoviejo, Ecuador for a new beginning!! We live in a house right next to our ministry hosts and spend a lot of time in their home, and let me tell ya. I love them. The Lord is just so sensitive sometimes, guys. He sent us a family to live with this month. We joke that they feel like our parents and little siblings and it makes all the difference in the world when I’m having some really hard holiday homesickness. But we’ll get to do Thanksgiving with them! Ps, they don’t celebrate Thanksgiving here, our hosts just care so much about honoring us and are some of the best heart caretakers I’ve ever known, so they said we’ll make it really homey. 🙂 We easily could not have had a family or home-cooked meals or an actual house to live in for either of these holiday months, but the Lord was just kind and gave us that because He can.
We are working with a local ministry here doing a bunch of different things this month. We have been visiting and working in a couple senior homes, working in a medical clinic, leading small groups for young adults, and doing garbage dump ministry. There is not a thing that I’ve not seen Jesus in, but I’ve been super impacted by the senior home and garbage dump ministry so far. At the senior home, I think I expected that they would need a lot, but it’s been sweet to learn that they just want someone to talk to. Someone to get to know them. Someone to be still with them. I am gradually learning some of their stories and with the language differences, there’s still a lot that I don’t know, but I think they might feel forgotten. I have been learning guitar so I will bring mine and get it out and doodle around on it, or we’ll color with them, or help with meals or take them down to the front gate to watch the cars go by and I just LOVE seeing their faces light up when I sit down to talk to them. They look so surprised.
The main thing the church we’re partnering with does is garbage dump ministry. Essentially, there are dads who work in the garbage dump, so their families live there and help work there too sometimes. This one is hard. It’s hard to see people with so little and not think about how I’ve had every single thing I ever needed growing up. It’s hard not to be sad. These are really young children and their moms and dads just hoping to find food for their kids. At first, I was absolutely determined to not be affected. I went in, intending to be made of iron and unphased. I was worried about letting myself feel sad, and it preventing my ability to bring joy and bless them. We go every day and do a few songs, a bible lesson, an activity, some games, and then give them a meal. There is this one girl. She’s probably about 14 or 15. She immediately lit my soul. Her smile is one of those that makes you believe in blind bliss. She is one of the ones old enough to understand perspective, and I think she knows her family’s situation is hard and unfair. And yet, she SO happy. It hit me. The Lord is SAD over this. He hurts when they hurt. He’s incredibly empathetic and He wants me to be too. He wants me to care so much for his kids that I’m affected. But step 2 is to find JOY in the suffering. Our suffering is meant to remind us of His power. The fact that He’s able to work and bring hope right smack dab in the middle of so much hurt… I just marvel at that. He is illogical. He’s big. He’s vast. He’s colossal. He doesn’t. make. sense. And somehow, he holds every bit of meaning.
