i absolutely cannot believe my squad and i are going into month FOUR. something you hear about the world race is that the days are long, but the months go fast. that’s real. these are the hardest days i can ever remember having, but that means there’s a lot to be learned. i like being swept away by new places and people and pieces of the father’s character. the time beautifully disappears. to be fully honest, i’m not always sure how i’m doing. sometimes, understanding and processing comes later. i feel like i never really know anything but i go a day at the time and try to ask the father to make my heart like his. the holy spirit keeps telling me that sometimes, that’s the best we can hope for.
i had a couple paragraphs written here about month 3 of ministry and the lord told me that wasn’t what he wanted me to write about. but, i would LOVE to talk about his fingerprints in peru. ask me about it. 🙂 it was amazing and tender and the things i’m processing from it will probably still sneak it’s way in here..
anyways, i think he is telling me to talk about how my heart is doing, and wanting to rebuke any shame any of us feel in doing that. the fact of the matter is, our hearts are not cheap– mine and yours. the highest of costs has been paid for them. he cares deeply about how we’re feeling. he’s not interested in the shiny version of our lives we put out there for others to see. he wants the real deal. i want to be like that.
this last month was hard. i was homesick beyond belief. i got sick, became physically and emotionally drained, doubtfully fumbled through a lot of fear, felt purposeless, and cried more times than i could have anticipated. but i’ve been wrestling with what that all means and picking apart the word, especially the old testament, and i think he’s walking me through how to receive his promises and throw them over everything in my life. like a blanket. race or not. his promises are ALIVE, fam. he absolutely immerses me in grace and love and provision. but we get to opt into seeing it— into BELIEVING in it and creating a lifestyle of tenacity in relation to him, our first love. our books were created and written with an inherent connection to his. and, it’s okay if we fall down sometimes. life isn’t a science. there are so many layers to the father’s heart and i think its okay if we take turns tracking different ones down.
Exodus has really been speaking to me a lot lately. the Israelites really spent a lot of time doubting. doubting in Moses, doubting in the Lord.. and ultimately, every single time, he showed them who he is. a wise king. a righteous father. A God who does everything for the good of his kids. i’ve looked and looked and nowhere does it say that God expected the israelites to have answers. to know it all. he just asked them to trust in him. nothing’s changed. he doesn’t need me to be the smartest person in the room. he doesn’t ask me to know what’s ahead. he doesn’t care if i keep it all nice and tidy and put together. he just asks that i fall so in love with him that not knowing the rest of it would have no merit on my heart posture. he is the God of intention. he is not careless with his words. he is meticulous down to the very letter. he means what he says.
i’m still sitting on this with him and in transparency, i fail a lot of the time. i get stuck. i forget. i get confused. i get frustrated. i guess that’s the human in me. the mess. but something i’ve been thanking him for over and over is that he’s not scared of the mess. while i am sorting through it all, he is renewing his commitment to me every single time the sun comes up. his affections for me don’t move.
