i have one thousand things running through my head in this moment. and to be honest, i don’t know what to say to you all. but i want to honor your investment in my trip and never water down what you have made possible.
i feel heartbroken, thankful, angry, robbed, hopeful, confused, but ultimately, fought for. the lord fought for me to have this chance and every single day i spent on the world race, i felt like one in a billion. i never stopped pinching myself. he made a way where there was absolutely none because that’s WHO HE IS.
because the lord has me feeling incredibly reflective, here’s the full picture.
the world race came alive in my heart years ago. at the time, it was for all the wrong reasons and i followed my flesh to other places and other things but it was never far from my mind. and then, there came a time that this window in my life opened and he said “go.”
i knew it was right. because this time, i wanted glory for him, not myself.
i would be lying if i said i took it right away and everything immediately fell into place. it took time. i had hard days. some days it seemed too hard that i wondered if i had just made a mistake in hearing the voice of holy spirit. i showed up at training camp and still didn’t know how i felt or what i had gotten myself into or if i even wanted to go do the thing.
we launched. i was scared to death but we began. we belonged. we became.
and every single second since, i have LEARNED. learned about my father. learned about myself. learned about my brothers and sisters. really, truly learned how to live the only kind of life i am interested in. the only life i want, now and forever. one of DEPTH. deep intimacy with holy spirit, deep surrender and submission of every single moving element of my life, deep desire to see the kingdom come down, deep trust in his unmatched power.
somewhere along the line, i fell head over heels for my beloved A squad. these people are freakin strong men and women. these people love for nothing in return. these people will stand in the gaps for you like i’ve never seen in my life. these people fight tooth and nail for the kingdom. in the name of jesus, these people will change the world. these people are my family.
our race ended far too soon. in one day’s time, we went from “we’re good,” to “you’re going home in 48 hours.” honestly, it just shattered me for a long minute.
i think my heart that i need you to see now is that the world race didn’t change my life. the inescapable love of the father did that. and that’s something that the enemy will never have the power to take away from me. or from you. ever. i refuse to let him have a foothold in my next season from something that the lord wonderfully gifted to me and is grieving with me right now.
so, here we are. i’m coming home, but not as a racer. i’m coming home as a DAUGHTER. desperately wanting to know my dad better. and you know what? it’s gonna be messy. it’s going to hurt. it’s going to be really freaking confusing and scary and overwhelming. that’s part of the package. i’m releasing any pressure or shame or expectation to be perfect or have it all figured out. i want to focus my eyes not on the hard things that WERE promised to me, but on the king of love who will fight for my good and guard my heart every moment along the way.
i have nothing but thanks and praise. the fact that the lord’s timing was different than the plans i had made for myself doesn’t change that. the fact is, he is never late. he is never early. he is always right on time, incapable of making mistakes. he saw this day before my race ever began. he isn’t surprised.
i will never be able to thank you all enough for this chance. this chance to be part of something so much bigger than even my craziest of dreams. this chance to let him wreck my world and put the pieces back together.
i have watched him change me from the inside out in a way that i could have never anticipated.
i know the voice of my father. i know who i am. i know how he moves and breathes and thinks and gives us life. he flipped my whole world upside down and started over and showed me what’s actually true. he took me through a season of hard and rewarding refinement that made me see i desire him only as my guidepost in all things.
i am coming home a 100-percent different person than when i left. i don’t know what that looks like. i don’t know what to do with this new wine. i don’t know very much of anything. but what i do know is that he’s good because he’s good because he’s good. he can’t be anything else.
you might have questions. that’s okay. so do i. know that there are people i trust, respect, and love with my whole being trying to keep us safe. trying to figure out what’s next for AIM missionaries everywhere. trying to listen only to the voice of the lord while making hard, fast, very unprecedented decisions.
i have no clue if there’s a possibility of a relaunch or if we could be looking at a reallocation of resources or maybe a future partnership with AIM of a different nature or anything like this at all.
please keep my squad and i in your prayers and have grace with us as we try to navigate this transition and whatever comes next.
i always tell myself what my friend rubeus hagrid once said: “what’s coming will come and we’ll meet it when it does.”
for now, further up and further in. see y’all soon.
kier
