I’ve been travelling and sleeping in the weirdest of places for months and daily I miss my family and friends at home. A few times it’s become distracting and stolen my joy. On this trip I have never been alone. People constantly surround me. From my team, my squad, or my contacts. Bathroom visits, doctor visits, trips to wifi, grocery shopping, my quiet times are always with people within eye shot… even now as I write this I’m sitting in the corner of a coffee shop with two of my squadmates. That was helpful though when I broke the table I’m sitting at and they could help me screw on the leg again. For safety reasons it has been great. Walking home in the dark or out to the toilet in some village can always be great times to have a buddy. The hardest thing has been that although there are people all around I still have felt so alone. People are always here but they don’t really know me. We have had great talks, they have heard more of my testimony than most people, we’ve served the Lord together, they’ve seen me cry more then they probably ever wanted to, but they still don’t know me. I have to explain everything that I might need to this community. I have to continually be vulnerable and communicate everything. I can’t count on them to know that when I am sick or upset that I want to watch Little Women, or that coffee is my love language (thanks to my mom) and I honestly believe that it can fix anything. On this trip I have to communicate about who I am. All the time. Sometimes I just want people to know what the movie Moulin Rouge means to me, how I lived off Dutch Bros coffee for a year, where Vancouver Washington is, and I might cry if I have to explain who Sutton Foster and Idina Menzel are again.
Little things that I take for granted about my friends and family at home have become a lot more valuable on this trip. I am tired of explaining myself.
I miss being known.
I miss being home.
I miss having a place of worship that I can let go in.
I miss having the freedom to sing at the top of my lungs.
I miss my room.
I miss my house. When you no longer have something that is known and is filled with memories and to be honest when you no longer have a space that you are sure has been prayed over and anointed you are in constant spiritual battle.
I miss resting.
So now I’m having a breakdown in a coffee shop. I’m exhausted. I keep counting down for home in Washington but I don’t think that’s the home I am missing. The Lord says Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest. “Take My yoke upon you, and learn from Me, for I am gentle and humble in heart; and you shall find rest for your souls. “For My yoke is easy, and My load is light.
I need some easy yoke. I need the Lord’s peace. The Lord has overcome this world. I need my home to be in His presence. It took me 11 months to figure it out, but he is the only place that I can find rest. When my home is in Christ I have the freedom to be in his arms at any time. He surrounds me and is my comfort. When everything around me is unknown and scary He is there and His presence is my safe spot. This month we are in one of the scariest places that I have lived this year. I have not slept through the night since we got here. I am spiritually and physically exhausted and now I am crying in the corner of a coffee shop. I can’t do it anymore. Kiana can’t do it. I am exhausted.
Abba, I’m a love of your presence.
It’s all I’ll ever need.
I need you to restore my soul.
Be my home.
Be my safe place.
I need you Jesus.
