…This blog post is going to probably be my most personal and really opening up about something I have dealt with my whole life. This is something that has really bothered me even before I was really serious about my faith. I consider it my "thorn in the flesh" as it has been quoted and talked about in the Bible. I actually found a very interesting picture on pinterest that relates to it.
(copy and paste this link – http://pinterest.com/pin/204913851767971770/ )
So I am guessing you are wondering when I am going to tell you what exactly it is that afflicts me, well here we go. For the longest time (and I still do, I am getting better at it with God's help) is a spirit of intimidation or a fear of feeling inferior, which I sometimes feel is a battle to find my voice and be heard. I feel like this is something God has allowed in my life for multiple reasons…
1. I think he allows me to struggle with this to realize that only he can help me with this problem, and he can help me overcome this feeling.
2. I think it has now drawn me closer to him because I can only find my real meaning and worth in HIM, not other people or the opinions of other people.
3. I can always be open and honest with God and He would prefer it this way… (He knows what I am thinking anyway!!!)
Day by day I have learned in many different ways to gain confidence in what I have to say because the Lord is my strength. Period. When I was growing up (probably more towards the beginning of High School) I always would let other people take advantage of me. There were many times when I did not speak up about a situation or share what was on my mind because of the fear how others would react or treat me. I always felt like if I speak up and tell someone what I really thought about (insert scenario here), and I was essentially telling them they are wrong, or have hurt me, or should change something, then I am “above” that person and I am no longer inferior. Feeling inferior has led me to compromise on what sometimes really needed to be stopped, or really needed to be said. Accompanying this, has also been a feeling similar where I am afraid to reach out in fear that things will go the worst way possible. I would become anxious to check emails, texts, voicemails, Facebook responses because maybe it was something I could not take reading. I really think this is something the Devil has infected me with, and I have had to learn (and STRUGGLE over a long period of time) to reach out anyway, say what needs to be said (with respect and in my place of course), regardless of the response or reaction.
I have really learned that you can only become better at this, but doing things you are naturally afraid of until you are comfortable doing it. I have learned that the more you do it, the easier it becomes, and when rejection or slander comes back, I just have to brush it off. There are a number of factors why this can happen, someone could be having a bad day, or someone has major problems going on in their life and this is how they take it out. Sometimes people need the benefit of the doubt, and they ALWAYS need us to show them God’s love and Grace. This is something I am so glad that God is helping me with, because otherwise I would not have the confidence to share the Gospel and what I believe with others!
…If I was always afraid of how others would react to me sharing the Gospel or my personal testimony to them before I actually went through with it, I would end up being a silent Christian and not sharing at all! This is the last thing I want. I know that everyone will react differently to the Gospel depending on a lot of different circumstances or things that have happened to them in their life. For example, I had ( I say had because I do not talk to him much anymore, once in a while on Facebook) a friend growing up who slowly fell into the polar opposite lifestyle than me – Partied… A LOT, drank…A LOT, smoked…A LOT, hung out with the VERY wrong crowd, treated women terribly, and he eventually came to HATE Christianity and others who were Christian. I am NOT saying that he is such a worse sinner than I am (we are all equally sinners without Jesus), I am just showing how he is the type of person I would normally have a hard time talking to and feeling like I can speak my mind around without him saying or doing something harmful. As I have matured in my faith, I know realize that there are probably quite a few reasons why he is this way, and how he came to hate Christians. I imagine he might have had some people who called themselves “Christian”, but honestly acted towards him and showed him the opposite of what a Christian should. He could have been put down for his lifestyle in a way that did not show Gods love and grace, but condescendingly, and if this has happened enough times, he came to learn that all the Christians that he met were hypocrites and he wants nothing to do with Jesus. OR – he might just think that if he becomes a Christian, he will not be able to live the lifestyle he wants, which would ruin his life and he does not believe it is worth pursuing. I say all this because, before I was where I am at today, I would NEVER have thought about reaching out to him, knowing that he is probably going to react exactly how I think. NOW he is someone I want to reach out to and attempt to show the real love of Christ, and how a real Christian should act. He may not change at all, but I will never know unless I try.
All of this comes full circle around to going on this mission’s trip for 11 months. We ARE going to be preaching and sharing our testimony, and we ARE going to run into opportunities to share one on one, and I am praying every day that God continues to give me the strength to reach out without having fear of how the person will react, and knowing that even if they do react in a hurtful way, I know that I am still planting a seed and that God has said in his word that this will not be an easy task. Period.
