I Can Handle It
I’ve realized the past couple days that I’ve been carrying some major baggage inside me. I’ve been walking around confused, lost, frustrated, somewhat hopeless. Tonight I contemplate what’s going on inside me, why I feel the way I do. I realize there is a mountain that I’m not sure yet if it will be moved. My heart yearns to go and be the hands and feet of Jesus with some amazing young people around the world but I see a huge obstacle positioned on this path. There are people that I’m desparately trying to love and minister to but find it incredibly difficult. There are friends I miss, family I haven’t seen in a long time, community that has never developed where I wanted it to. I keep walking thinking to myself I can handle it.
I see pride swell up in me, envy rising, entitlement building as if I deserve better. I give a message to some people, mostly teens and my heart is totally absent which is ironic because the topic: God’s presence. Afterwards I see myself give up. My tongue becomes lose, heart seals up and mind roams through past experiences when I tried to love someone only to have it blow up in my face. I’ve quenched the Spirit. I realize that its actually been awhile since God and I connected personally together. What do I do? Where do I go from here? How do I begin to break this all down? What’s that smell coming from the kitchen? (sorry, had to throw that in there). When did all this baggage start piling up? How long have I been carrying it? Who do I go to……
Then as if some brilliant idea that nobodys ever thought of before pops in my head, I ask myself, “Why am I Leaving God Out of All This?”
Practical Deist
If there was a support group for recovering “I don’t need anybody, I can make it on my own” addicts I would sit in. I would introduce myself, my name is Kevin Smigielski and I have a problem relying on God and people. And then everybody would then say… Hi Kevin. Maybe I can even be on the tv show True Life and cameras can follow me around while I pretend to live my normal life as a overly independent Christian. Of course that show is on MTV so obviously I couldn’t be a Christian anymore if I showed up on that channel (that comment has a little bite to it aye?).
My problem is not that I don’t believe in God but that I don’t trust him enough with my life. I can ask Him where He wants me to go but then go without acknowledging He’s right by my side. My view is that once God gives me my mission in life He leaves me to go at it alone. This however is not at all what Jesus promises. God is everywhere, at all times. He’s never expected me to do it alone and so I get on my knees and pour my heart to Him. I give Him my hurts, fears, frustrations, doubts, stresses. It feels good knowing that God isn’t some complacent creator but is active in our everyday lives. He continues to bring His kingdom and I can tell you confidently that I am ready for it!
May you always remember that God is with you. He has not abandoned you in times of struggle. He has not forgotten you when you find yourself in a mess. He does not expect you to carry the load by yourself. May you stop running from God because you feel guilty, confused, afraid or unworthy to be in His presence. God Loves YOU. You cannot run fast enough to get away from Him. Instead take this moment now as the most precious time of your life because you are with your Creator. He wants to talk to you, listen to you, help you, guide you, laugh with you, cry with you and move you along the path He’s set out for you.
