The Philippines has been so good to me; I got to see my long lost uncle that I hadn’t seen since I was in pre school, our contacts feed us very well, it’s beautiful here, I helped coach basketball, I jumped off of large rock formations once again into beautiful clear water, I went to a Passion conference in Manila at the end of the month, and best of all, I got to hang out with some of the most awesome and fun young people in the church that I’ve met on the Race yet.
I experienced so many good and fun things this month, but it also was a month of doing battle. Even though I’ve loved being here so much this month, I’ve been at war with my heart and my mind it seems.
I’m finishing month 9 and I’m looking on towards starting month 10. No, that’s actually not completely true–I’m finishing month 9 and I’m more so looking on towards being done with this Race.
Every single day, in some form or another, I find that I start daydreaming about what life will look like when I’m back stateside. This isn’t me being proactive and wise by planning, no, it’s me thinking about things that I can’t control yet–or ever. Haha, I’m pretty sure I already wrote a blog on this topic when I was back in Laos a couple of months ago.
I could easily write about how much of a failure I’ve been in daydreaming about the future, and slipping in and out of being present, but I don’t think that’s necessary anymore (not to imply that it ever was necessary). Whenever I find that my mind is elsewhere, I’ve been forcing myself to turn to the Lord and say, “listen, I know that I really don’t want this,” meaning I don’t want to lose myself in a sea of day dreaming, “help me instead to press into You and be filled by your Holy Spirit.”
This month has had quite a bit of downtime, and that has been both great and difficult. Its been difficult because the downtime can sometimes lead me to be complacent and start drifting in my thoughts. But on the other hand, its been great because I’ve had more opportunities–when I choose to seek them out–to be alone with Him.
Besides getting to hang out with the young people in the church here, my fondest memories of this month are when I chose to hang out with Him under a moonlit night sky surrounded by jungle foliage. It was in those moments that I really seemed to get it; I could just be with my Heavenly Father. In those moments I seemed to be able to catch a glimpse of how He sees me: forgiven, worthy, not an idiot–His adopted son.
All of my problems, worries, and anxieties would just fade in those moments.
Fighting off being complacent with my thoughts about life after the Race IS going to be a battle till final debrief, and I think that’s ok. I’m also constantly being reminded that the answer isn’t to get mad at myself and simply just try harder to not to get lost in thoughts about the future, but to instead just be accepted by Christ.
Please pray for me to just recieve His love. Sometimes I get so caught up in “doing things right” that I forget about the freedom that He intends for us to live in, where we just relax in His endless unconditional love.
