“Even though I walk through the Valley of Deep Darkness, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.”
– Psalm 23:4
The World Race has been the greatest and hardest year of my life. I’ve been cast head first into situations out of my control that strip me of my natural comforts and force me to turn to and rely on God. But one of the things that I consistently find is that there is always a purpose behind these times of trial. There is always something in me that needs to be refined so that I look more like Christ daily. God has taken me through such a season these past two weeks.
In the past, I’ve struggled heavily with depression, anxiety, and sadness. Coming on the World Race, I assumed that I’d broken free of those chains. God had given me so much joy and peace that I felt like a new man. Then I arrived in Ireland two weeks ago.
Ireland is an absolutely amazing country and the people here are so friendly to us. Everywhere we go, people smile and greet us with their awesome Irish accents. However, underneath all this, there is a spirit of depression that blankets the country. One of the things that I’ve learned about myself on the Race is that I tend to pick up on spiritual atmospheres around me. As soon as I landed in Dublin, I felt a heaviness descend upon me. Added to this, God’s been taking me through a period in my life where He is forcing me to trust Him with my future plans – something that can make me easily anxious. All of these factors began mixing together to create the perfect storm for my old struggles to resurface.
I can confidently say that it's been one of the hardest weeks of my life. I remember being so mad at God for bringing me through this depression, anxiety, and sadness. However, in the past few days, God has shown me some of His purposes behind it.
First, I've learned how to let others into my depression. In the past, I would try to hide it so I wouldn't look weak and burden others. God broke me of that this week. I had to bring others in to pray for me and encourage me. My prideful self wanted to seem like I had it all together. But that wasn’t the truth. The truth was: I’m struggling with sadness, and anxiety. I do not have everything together and I’m pretty messed up. But God is freeing me from this – two days ago I had no less than 3 emotional breakdowns in front of three different people in the span of 12 hours. It was crazy but brought so much healing. By the end of that day, I was literally on the ground in a pool of my own tears, with no strength to even stand. But in that moment, I experienced God’s presence in an incredible way. He became so near to me and I felt His presence like that of a father embracing a child, with no need to even speak words. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4
Second, I've learned to rebuke the lies that I've believed. Growing up, I heard a lot of things about my worth from others – people telling me that I'm worthless, annoying, ugly, stupid, etc. Some of these lies, I've held on to for over 20 years. I believed them about myself and I defined my worth by them. However, God wants me to believe what His Word says about me. That I have been made worthy because Christ died for me, that God takes me in just as I am, that I am loved by my family and my brothers and sisters. Even though I knew those truths in my head, my heart had not fully accepted them. I've learned to speak those truths out loud. To remind myself of who I really am – not what the enemy says or others say about me. This is why in the Bible, God was always reminding His people, Israel, who they were – that they were His children and that His love for them was eternal. That’s why Paul constantly reminds the churches who they are in Christ. Because when we know our identity in Christ, we gain confidence and strength that is based not in ourselves, but rooted in God and His eternal character.
Thirdly, I need to look at these challenges from a different perspective. God is taking me through this to mold me and refine me. The Enemy is going after me because I am seeking to make a difference in His kingdom. I can rejoice because I am being persecuted, because I am being broken, because situations seem to be going against what I want. Throughout Scripture, great spiritual victories are followed by times of great trial and tribulation. The reason I am experiencing so much opposition is because I am on the front lines of the spiritual battlefield. The best soldiers are the ones who have experienced the fire of trial and the pains of intensive training. If I want to be a warrior in the army of Christ, I must go through this in order that I can be better equipped and ready for the future conflicts of my life.
God is breaking me of my pride and my self-reliance. He is teaching me how to trust Him even when I can't see Him or what He is doing. God is teaching me to let go of things and surrender all to Him. By holding tightly on to things, I put them under the control of my flawed and selfish human understanding. However, if I give them to God, I put them into the perfect hands of the all-knowing Creator who loves me as a son.
Let go, my son, and let me carry this. I have a plan for you and you can trust me with what you give me.
I am still under this heavy burden, but praise God for it! He is breaking me to remake me. He is refining me and equipping me for the future.
Thank you so much for your prayers. I know God is using them. Pray for God to continue using this trial. Pray that I would choose to trust Him and choose courage over discouragement. I don't want to waste this trial but use it to learn how to better trust God. I want to finish this Race strong and push through to the end.
I am walking through the Valley of Deep Darkness, but I fear no evil, because my God is with me. He takes me by the hand and leads me through the shadow towards green pastures and still waters.
