I am not OK!
I wish I could say my famous phrase, “it’s all
good.� However, right now I am far from my usual optimistic self.
I have been listening lately to my best friend stories of
endurance even in the midst of hardship. Lately, she has been singing over and
over again, “My God is my victory and He is here.� (Desert Song-Hillsong)
What powerful words. I cannot help admire my friend’s courage to cry out loud, “how good
God is even in the midst of pain.� I however, have been wallowing in the grief
of closed doors.
I applied to my dream program at the International House Of
Prayer
It was a program that was training Intercessory Missionaries and sending
them out to the hardest places on the earth, to begin prayer movements. I got accepted to a program that only
accepted 50 students and I got in. It seriously blew my mind! The sad part is
that I had to decline the invitation due to the fact I am Canadian and my
financial supporters would not get a receipt.
I was heartbroken with my decision because I felt with all
my heart that God is calling me to be a part of a worldwide prayer movement.
At the same time since returning back to North America, I have not been in a good spot either. There has been no driving force
within me, nothing to spur me on to greatness. I read stories of my fellow squad
mates and how God is moving and I simply got jealous. I would love to be in a place where
contentment flows and God is growing a fire in me that cannot be burned out
from the simple action of re-entry.
The truth is I am tired of pretending that I have it all together. When I
have the chance to go to church everyone ask,“ When are you going out again?� and
I just smile and say, “Who knows only God.�
It hurts every time I say this sentence because in a
heartbeat I would pack my bags, hop on a plane and spread the gospel to the broken and hopeless.
I am sad that things did not work in my favor, but I
trust in a God who has my future placed in His hands. I know God is not late in
delivering answers and promises. I know He is faithful to the end.
I am asking right now for the saints to pray for me. Just like Moses needed Aaron and Hur to
lift up His arms in a battle in Exodus. So I need the strength of others and
God to get through this season, to eventually see God’s goodness on the other
side.
1. I need a season of refreshing of a release of the Holy
Spirit in my life
2. Doors to
open. I need a room to stay in for two months while I continue to work for
Christian Horizons in the summer. Also, that in September that the Lord will
provide a job, place to stay and a community of Holy Spirit filled crazy people
lol.
3. Direction
4. I want to get to a place where worshiping the King of
Kings is overwhelming my life in every way. To put it this way, to get back to
His courts and dance before Him.
So that’s a re-cap on my life. I know lately since coming home, all
I have been writing about is re-entry. Who knows maybe healthy re-entry
for missionaries will become my new passion in life lol. Either way thank you
for letting me put my thoughts out there. I really appreciate it!
Blessings in Christ
Kerry
“When your hurting and all you can say I trust you God. That’s when things change.”
– Me
