Yesterday I had a little break down the first of many to come. As a team we decided to have a work day where we cleaned and organized the church we are staying at. The first half of the work day was awesome for me. I was power washing and totally got soaked but it was exactly what I needed because I was so hot. But then I let my teammate take over and went inside where I was overwhelmed with the heat. I began to organized the books which took awhile. Afterwards, my team leader asked the team when you everyone wants to stop. No one made a decision. Some wanted to stop and others wanted to continue to work. I personally wanted to stop because my next task was a big one. There is a craft closet which needed lots of attention and I knew it would take me more then 30 min to get the job done. But everyone else was ready to work more. I stood in front of that closet staring at the mess wondering why did God call me to missions in the first place. I am telling you I was not a happy camper. I was angry with my team, with the heat, and myself. I felt like I had no voice and that my opinions were not heard or appreciated.
I cracked open the closet and I started to throw things to the ground with not the greatest attitude. I began to have all these hurt feelings rise up in my head and heart. Wondering why my voice is never heard and why I feel rejected. My teammate came over to help me which I was grateful but began to take over and I let her. I was more frustrated with myself because why couldn’t I say, “this is my job and this is my vision.” But I couldn’t, so I let her tell me what to do. Then it was about time to stop working and I was frustrated because the closet wasn’t even close to be organized and there was a huge mess on the floor. I knew this was going to happen but I said to myself enough is enough just go swimming and you will feel better.
So I went swimming but I still was not happy. In the evenings our schedule usually looks like, dinner, bible study then feedback. Feedback is when we share what we have on our hearts. It can look like confronting an issue with a teammate, encouraging your team, or just your personal issues or frustrations. This time at feedback I finally spoke up and told of my years of letting people walk all over me. I don’t know where this began and I don’t know I let it happen. I hate the feeling of being weak and not being able to stand up for myself. I believe it began because for years I was made fun of. I still don’t understand why I was teased. I wasn’t strange looking or had strange habits. I was a normal girl maybe my only fault was being too nice sometimes. I always wanted people to like me and would do anything to just have some sort of affection from someone. It didn’t really matter from who, I just needed someone to like me.
I think after my years of letting people over power me. I over compensated. I began to be more outgoing and I found my voice. But I noticed a pattern if someone has a stronger personality then me then I would immediately back down and sometimes shut down. This has happened on several occasions. I think it’s funny though that God has placed me in a team with five strong woman. I know the Lord wants to teach me that I have value. This is the safest environment I have ever been in, so this is a great place to learn..
So I began to share some of my past history and many of my teammates began to speak into me to encourage me. I am astounded how my teammates are willing to love me through this and wants me to rise up and be more then a conquer. I am personally at the point where I am tired of not being the woman that God has created me to be. I never was suppose to be helpless and weak. It was stripped away from me. Satan wanted me to feel defeated, defenseless and useless. When all along God created me to be alive with passion and fire, to create his romances towards me into songs of redemption, to be bold and speak the words life to everyone I meet. “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Father I ask for power that comes from you from on high. That when I am weak you are strong. When I feel afraid that you will take over my fears and overwhelm me in your great love for me. I will no longer be a doormat. To let the world walk over me without seeing me first. I will stand above the crowd and my voice will be heard across the nations. I will now longer be timid, afraid but be ME. God created, God inspired , God breathed. ME!
My prayer for you is that you no longer need to walk in the steps of your past. That you are no longer bound to what people think. The one opinion that matters is Jesus Christ and He has set you free. Father, I ask that fear and rejected will be broken off in the name of Jesus. I ask for healing of past wounds and hurts. In your word it says we are more than conquers. We now been given power from on high to not let our past dictate us how to live any longer. We are FREE
If you are ready to take the next steps. Pray this prayer with me.
I surrender all to you precious Jesus. Knowing through the cross you broke off the chains that once bounded me. I am free to dance, free to sing, free to be me the man/woman that God created me to be. I choose right here right now to no longer let the world to tell me of my worth.I choose to live according to your word and abide in your authority and grace. I choose to hear what you say about me and find my worth in you, I choose to no longer be doormat anymore where people walk over. Empower me with your Holy Spirit. Reign in my heart, reign in my fears, reign in my voice, REIGN IN ME!
