HEY! Im Kerri, and I have been SHAPED BY GRACE; beautifully broken. Let me tell you why…
I was raised in a wonderful Christian home and for that I am extremely thankful. However, that does not mean my life has been “fine and dandy”.
It was in 8th grade…and Dad and Mom broke the news: we were moving. When we moved to Tennessee (from Maryland), this was the first REAL hard thing I had to encounter in life. This move was a lot more difficult for me than most people think. I was happy with my life in MD, and did not want to leave what I felt comfortable in. It was my home. My best friends were there, my family was there, I was extremely content with where I was. But it was out of my control- we had to move. Shortly after we moved, along with the many feelings that came with starting new, feeling out of place, and lonely- I developed an eating disorder.
This was something I kept hidden. It really seemed to come out of nowhere. I can’t even pinpoint a specific time that this habit started. I found the cause of this disorder was because of “control”. My eating habits were something I could CONTROL. When life was new, and I had no say in many things (where to go to school, church, who to hang out with), I found purging was my way of release.
Throughout my childhood I had a constant feeling of trying to “be good enough”. Not intentionally, but this is something that I can see now. Whether it be in competition with my siblings, living up to my parents “expectations”, or even by following what the bible said to do to be a “good Christian”. It was always something I felt as though I had to “live up to”. And then now, in this new place (Tennessee), I felt I had to be a certain way to make friends. These thoughts had a hold on me. And the enemy KNEW this “control” was an issue, so he took it and ran with it…
Before I knew it, a couple of years went by, and this eating disorder overtook my life and my daily thoughts. But no one knew it. I managed to meet many friends, and was very involved at school and at our new church. However, daily, I would come home, I would make myself sickly full and purge- to release the “pain” and “sickly” full feeling. I was able to CONTROL how I felt. Or so I thought…
This habit became so bad that it caused me to physically feel sick. All the time- I felt tired, worn down, and as if there was fire- or a scratching burning feeling down my throat. It caused my hormones to go out of whack leaving me feeling depressed, lonely, and even more empty. I remember looking in the mirror and being sickened by my swollen, puffy face…due to the abuse of binging and purging. It was sick, I felt stuck, this disorder had taken over. Something I had “control” over, now had control over me.
I was very social. I loved people. But now, I would have to force myself to be this way. Everyone saw me as this happy funny Kerri, who was filled with joy. I became so good at masking this happiness that it left me feeling weary and exhausted. On the inside, I was not what everyone else saw on the outside.
Over the high school years I knew God was there. I knew He saw me as beautiful. I knew He could heal me. I knew he was able to free me of this disease. But I didn’t see myself that way. I wasn’t embracing His truth. I was stuck, I felt trapped. 4-5 years went by, where I dealt with this issue personally, and it was not getting any better.
After high school, I was led to a Christian university, here, I was determined to break free of my past…yet the struggle continued. The first semester at college was pretty rough. I still continued to deal with my eating disorder. I wanted so badly to defeat this problem ON MY OWN.
There was one night in my dorm room that I won’t forget. I was alone. I indulged on an unhealthy amount of food to satisfy “stress”, and immediately thought I had to release what I had consumed. In that moment I had suicidal thoughts, feeling as though I would be better off just not alive. As I cried out in pain, God met me there, I laid in the middle of my dorm room, And I heard Him telling me to keep on going…to keep moving forward.
So that I did. Again, I knew God had me in His hands- but I wasn’t TRULY experiencing a genuine relationship with Him.
The very next semester I got into a Greek club; It was this semester that I was able to finally share my battle with someone. God provided an opportunity for me to share this burden of mine with other girls, something I kept hidden for so long. This led me to reach out for help from my mom as well; being able to share with her what I had been dealing with the past 4-5 years was an incredible break through for me. It took time, with counseling, and guidance. But with the prayers and accountability of 40 other girls, and the constant love from my family, I was able to overcome this battle. In this season, I learned what Gods love looked like. His love never fails.
But now…instead of turning to that for “release” or “fulfillment”, I found other ways to fill my emptiness.
I became a social butterfly. I began drinking and partying excessively, allowing many mistakes to be made. I allowed guys to mistreat me, and did not hold respect for myself as a woman of God. I was hurt by many, and pieces of my heart were taken. It’s like I was filling my life with the approval and acceptance of others, feeling happy to be “wanted”. It felt like a never ending cycle…continually trapped in the temporary ways of the world.
I always knew what was right. I always strived to be better. I always wanted to follow God. But I was not in a deep personal relationship with Him, I knew who He was, and what He could do for me. But the worldly ways were holding me back from Him. I was broken in many dark places, but still, turned to “temporary” things to satisfy my heart. It was the easy way for me.
I look back now, and can see the countless number of times that God tried nudging me or shaking me to wake me up. He put so many people in my years of darkness along the way to help me, and be a light. But I was so blinded and masked by other things around me. And would fall, time and time again. I was telling myself I was okay, again, on MY OWN, doing MY OWN thing.
It was my last semester of college and I decided to move back home and complete my internship in Knoxville. Being home, away from my social life and routine in Cleveland was good for me in many ways. I was able to focus and reflect without as many distractions.
Life seemed to be going great. Everything was going smoothly. I was happy. But, spiritually, I was not growing. One night this past February I remember praying to God to wake me up. I wanted to SEE and know Him. I wanted to feel him. I felt numb in many ways. I asked Him to do whatever it takes to help me REALLY KNOW HIM. So He answered my prayer. But in a totally different way than I had ever imagined.
I never fully let go of sin that I was keeping secret. This was causing me to not be fully honest with others. I was habitually filling the emptiness in my heart with worldly sin (once again). Things that are not of God. There was a stronghold, that I had not let go of. Early this year, at the beginning of March, less than a month after I prayed that prayer for God to wake me…He got my attention.
I was caught in my sin, completely exposed, broken, and stripped of everything. I literally had nothing. And It was there. In that moment. When I had NOBODY, that I realized HE is all that I need. I was brought to my knees, as a prisoner, shaken, ashamed, and embarrassed- crying out to God.
He told me clearly “Kerri, you no longer have to live this way, In this moment, I have already forgiven you for your wrong doings, I want to show you a love that you have never truly allowed me to show you, you are my daughter, and I want to set you free…without me, you are nothing” …his presence was SO REAL.
From that day forward, he has transformed many areas of my life, I have learned so much the past several months. And He is for sure still teaching me sooo many things. “Who God is”, and the PERSONAL relationship He longs to have with me, has become so real. It hasn’t been easy, thats for sure. But He is guiding me, and is continually giving me strength.
When this life changing moment happened, it almost felt like my entire life had exploded, and that I was the one who standing their with the match, watching everything crash and burn. I had to stand back, and look at the trust that was broken, and the relationships with loved ones that had crumbled and I had to really ask myself who I had become. I did not understand why this had to happen, and why I had to hurt other people in the midst of it all.
It was then, that my life became more of a story ABOUT GOD, and less of a story about ME.
In the overall picture of my ugliest and most self imposed disaster there was an opportunity for me to realize the outstretched hand of God. In the place where I was completely exposed, and out of excuses, all I saw was His hand. In the middle of my despair, Jesus spoke into my life…and said there is hope. And there is grace. And there’s forgiveness. And there’s the ability to be restored and redeemed. Not because I deserved it. But because He is GOOD.
I obviously knew about Gods grace. But when I was at this breaking point, I surely did not see his grace as applicable to me. Thankfully, I was wrong. Because his grace WAS for me and it is FOR YOU. We may not know all the answers, and probably never will. But I DO KNOW, now…
That the grace of god reaches farther than our sins can carry us away from God. I am living proof of that. I have been set free. And He is continually restoring me. I am being shaped by grace. And I want to share this good news with others. All over the world.
So as I graduated in May, I was trying to determine what career option I wanted to strive for. What was next? Where was I going to get my first job?
As I searched, prayed, and contemplated, THE WORLD RACE was what caught my attention. After this whirlwind of a year, I have been led with the prompting and the DESIRE to GO, all over the world, traveling, to share this good news (ABOUT JESUS!!!) with others.
So as I embark on this journey, starting in July, I am humbly asking for help. Whether it be prayers, or a gracious donation, please consider helping me make this year (in ELEVEN different countries) a life-changing one for so many people. I want to share with others HIS love, and with your help, I know God WILL provide a way.
I have to raise 16,000 total. Yes, that seems like a lot, but with everyones help- God will find a way. I am sure of this!!!
