I am not worthy.
What, you’re amazing, you’re such a great mom, you kill it at work, ok, maybe you’re not the best house keeper. But not worthy, why would you say that?
Recently I reached out to someone very close to me for help. Not only did they say no, but they then took that opportunity to kick me while I was down. They spoke to me like I was a disgrace and should be ashamed for having even asked for help. This is my life story.
Ever since I was a kid I can remember being made to feel like I wasn’t good enough, that I would never measure up. We didn’t go to church, we didn’t go to the best schools, we didn’t have enough money, all we had was pride, and well, that wasn’t worth much to the rest of the world. So, that was it, that’s life. We weren’t worthy of being a part of something bigger and better and we would have to learn to just suffer through. Good luck getting into college, good luck getting a good job. Oh, you want to be a mom and have a career, yeah, you can’t do that. You’ve gained weight – what’s wrong with you? Oh, you need money to pay your bills, yeah, told you so. Friends – no one really likes you, you can’t rely on them, so don’t bother. Family, well, we’re all you have, so suck it up buttercup.
So, I lived up to what I had been told I was – not good enough. Oh, I went to college alright, but I partied sometimes five or six nights a week, gave myself to just about anyone who would pay attention to me, stole, lied, cried, whatever I could do to pretend like I couldn’t hear all the negative voices that had been following me around for years. College only lasted about two years for me, because, go figure, I couldn’t afford it and, in a moment of clarity, I realized that I had absolutely no clue what I wanted to do with my life, so why continue with the façade.
Then I met this guy. He was kind, considerate, and although he was the life of the party in public, he was so shy in private. He never tried to take advantage of me and almost acted like my protector when we were at parties together. We could be on opposite sides of the room, but I knew he always had his eye on me. I felt safe. For the first time, ever. He came from a “good” family, money, privilege, education, you name it. He had traveled the world, yet he didn’t care. His friends were his family and that was all that mattered. So, what did I do? Push him away of course. Remember – I wasn’t worthy.
Well, somehow, he didn’t get the message. He came back, fought for me, changed even. Shoot, what was I supposed to do now? We got married, had jobs and started our life together. It was good. But something was still missing. I had been searching for a long time, but it wasn’t until one Sunday morning 19 years ago that I walked into a local church and knew I had found it. I was home. My Heavenly Father had been chasing me since I was a little girl and finally, I stopped running and turned around to meet Him. Suddenly I realized, I am worthy. I am precious, gifted, and a child of the King.
Life didn’t suddenly change, and in fact, it got worse. We were faced with job losses, legal accusations, foreclosure, moving across the country, lots of uncertainty. All throughout these last two decades though, the “stuff” has become just that. Unimportant facts of life on earth. Jesus has given me peace to get through times I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Fast forward to six months ago. I found myself once again feeling unworthy. I knew that this was lie, but somehow, I just couldn’t shake it. I had become the mother of a missionary. How did I deserve this??? Don’t you remember the drinking, sex, lies, financial immaturity? How did I get a kid who saw her worth at such a young age and wanted to share that message with the world? Two months later I was shoved into a dark place with my other daughter, who, like me, has been plagued with feeling unworthy. It was like I was sucked back into the past and I had dragged my child down with me. See, I told you, I’m just not worthy. And then, there I was two days ago, being fed those lies by someone close to me. How dare you ask for help??? You’re a horrible mother. You don’t deserve this or anything you desire.
Well today I woke back up. My God, my Savior, Protector, Healer, King of all Kings, woke me up and reminded me – I AM HIS! I AM WORTHY, I AM AN AMAZING MOTHER TO TWO DAUGHTERS OF THE KING, THEY ARE WORTHY AND SO ARE YOU! We will come out of this dark place refined and stronger than before, thanks only to Jesus Christ, my Lord and Savior.
The last year has stretched my faith beyond my wildest expectations. I am so grateful to have been given the gift of motherhood, to be married to my best friend who only ever wants the best for me (because even he believes I’m worthy). I have friends that have become family, a mother who has become my best friend, a job that allows me to use my gifts, and so much more.
I’m thankful to my “missionary”, Kenzie, for helping me to see this and for my beautiful Brianna for loving me through it – you are both the best daughters a mother could ask for. We are worthy.
