I leave Malaysia in a few days and my heart is torn yet again.
With each thought of leaving that I have, my mind instantly races back to this time last month. As I prepared to leave Thailand, I was faced with question after question from the girls I worked with…
“Why can't you stay any longer?”
“Why do you have to go to Malaysia?”
“Will you ever come back?”
Even now, those questions wreck me.
So do the tears I remember seeing swell up in their eyes as they said their "goodbyes" the best they knew how to.
Looking back, I see every tear as a blessing. They captured the impact I made. The impact that I hope will go far beyond just my time there.
Going into the Race, nobody told me how real this would all be. How connected I would become to each place despite knowing I had to leave at the end of each month.
In Thailand, I never felt like I was leaving. Instead, it felt like I was abandoning. Abandoning the sweetest girls ever while I go onto something bigger and seemingly better while they stay in the same spot.
Why did God do it? Why did He allow my life to become so wrecked by those girls?
Ultimately, it wasn't Him. It was me. I made a choice. I made a choice to live a lifestyle, not just an experience. I made a choice to sell out and give everything I could. I made a choice to trade comfort for truth. I made a choice to not be afraid of loving…truly and unconditionally loving. Not just because it's “ministry”…
So why don't I (and really all of us) choose the lifestyle more often? A more pertinent question…Why don't we want it?
If anything, my time here has taught me that if we're ever going to make a true impact for the Kingdom, we have to abandon our own security and comfort. We have to be willing to step out and love without reason and beyond measure. At the end of the day, that's the only answer to the darkness we inevitably will continue to come up against. We can choose fear…or we can choose love. Choosing fear is just trusting in the enemy…choosing love is trusting in something more, something grand, something life-changing…it's trusting in Him.
This month, I've tried so hard to be a part of the people's lives here like I was in Thailand. At Remember Nhu, those kids were more to me than just an experience that I'll tell my grandkids about one day. I claimed every single one of them as my own. Not just for a month, but for the rest of my life. Each smile that's etched into my soul means more to me than words can express.
Even now, I refuse to grow cold to the reality of how blessed I was to be in their presence. How they were saved from enduring an indescribable pain every day of their lives. I mean, what if that was your child? What if your child…or your sister or brother…was this close to not having a life? Would you still be blind to the passion I have?
That's the reality I can't seem to shake even a month later. That being this close was what completely broke me into pieces.
Despite the brokenness, I still see the light that is glimmering in the distance.
I saw it in Remember Nhu. And I see it now in Malaysia, and specifically Gua Musang.
Last month, I found myself loving that the girls were getting to enjoy a life that is beyond explanation. That Jesus saved them from a reality that just seems to be tolerated in their country. I love the fact that there was an organization that was fighting for people before they needed to be truly fought for.
This month, I love that the kids here are getting to enjoy a life free of the struggles of others in this world. That there's a place each child can go to feel love like the learning we work at. That when they feel love, their laughs light up the room despite the darkness that still surrounds this city. That while the enemy may have a stronghold for now, his day's are numbered…
Wherever you are, I encourage you to never let yourself grow cold and have your heart hardened even for a second. Keep it open to the people who are unseen and unknown. Let them be more than a blip. Make them have their own story in your life. Let them matter. Allow them to be your friends…your family…your loves.
So to answer the question from earlier…
Why did God plan this year of my life to be so wrecked by those girls?
Because He knew the people I encountered afterwards needed more love than they did. Simply put, He knew I needed a new heart…a new heart for the people of Malaysia…a new heart for the people in Cambodia…for the people in Africa…for the people in Nepal…for the people in India…and for the people wherever He takes me afterwards.
So go and be free.
Don't choose an experience to tell others about…choose a lifestyle that'll speak for itself.
I want to take a moment and thank every single person who has supported me on this trip so far. You have blessed me beyond words and I can't express how grateful I am for each one of you. Without you, none of the things I blog about or get to live out would be possible. If you'd like to continue to partner with me more, or do so for the first time, now would be the PERFECT time to do so. I'm still short of being fully funded ($15,500) by around $4200 or so. If just 40 people donated $100, I'd be fully funded! If you feel lead to donate, you can do so by CLICKING HERE. Each donation goes a long way into furthering His Kingdom!
