“And once you live a good story, you get a taste for a kind of meaning in life, and you can’t go back to being normal; you can’t go back to meaningless scenes stitched together by the forgettable thread of wasted time” – Donald Miller
Two years ago, words seemed to always flow without much hesitation on my part.
Writing blogs and putting myself out there for all to see was easy to do.
In large part because the story I was writing was one worth telling.
Every month brought a new place to live, new cities to explore and fresh faces to fall in love with [yes, even you Kenya]. In the span of two years I found myself living in 14 different countries and gaining 60+ new brothers and sisters.
Even now I find myself having to look back at old photos to make sure it wasn’t all just a dream that I thought up.
I mean, I did it all.
From Central America to Africa to Asia and back to Africa again. If adventure was to be had, I found it.
And I wasn’t alone.
I went on a journey with people who started as strangers and ended up as family. People who helped shape the man I am today.
Without them, I’d be the person I was back in 2012.
Lost. Broken. Lonely.
Unknown.
When I got back from my second trip to Africa in early 2014, I thought I knew the direction that my life was headed.
Everything was in front of me and the possibilities were endless.
I was 27, I was moving to a new city with people to love on everywhere I looked, and I was running towards a forever with the girl of my dreams.
I never thought, even for a second, that something could go wrong.
I trusted God; but looking back now, I trusted myself even more.
I thought I had walked through all my insecurities and baggage. I thought through the tears, prayers, shouts of praise and screams of frustration that I wasn’t the same person anymore. That I wasn’t just some hopeless wanderer. I thought there’d be no more sleepless nights looking up at the ceiling fan wondering if there was something more out there. There’d be no more going to family get-togethers and feeling out of place that I was in my upper 20’s and single, jobless and the only thing I knew how to cook were pop-tarts.
I was confident in the man the Lord told me I was.
Then it unraveled.
One thing after another, door after door — everything seemed to shut.
Months went from always bringing something new and exciting to bringing the same thing every time: a big chunk of hell.
Fear is a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life. And my life was not only seemingly falling apart, but it became boring.
There was anxiety, stress, sleepless nights, tears, shouts laced with profanity and more tears.
Nothing. Went. Like. I. Wanted.
It was just what I needed.
But I sure as hell was not about to say that in the moment.
I fought back. I let my pride and my flesh reign supreme and I kicked the voice of the Lord out of my head like a bad habit.
I allowed my frustration to isolate me from those who have always loved me. I let my bitterness and pride play a role in saying goodbye to the girl I thought I was going to see walk down the aisle.
I didn’t feel like ministering to anybody, so I let my selfishness run wild. Instead of being in the Word, I binge watched Friday Night Lights.
Three times over.
I allowed the stories of Tim Riggins and Coach Taylor to replace my own.
I wanted their lives and somewhere in the darkness I forgot who I was.
I changed.
It’s true that everyone grows and changes, but its a coin flip if it will be perceived as a healthy change or a negative one.
Mine was a negative one.
I let my loneliness and quarter-life crisis lead me to a place where being with the enemy didn’t seem nearly as tough as being with the Lord.
I didn’t even know if I wanted to believe what He was always there saying to me.
I needed my eyes opened.
I was too drunk on the idea that adventures and people could heal my brokenness when the reality is the answer was always right in front of me.
I just didn’t want to give up the one thing that it would take, self control.
And who does?
As humans, we try so hard to avoid suffering, death and sin. We live in a world crushed and broken and torn, a world that God had to visit Himself to redeem. But there’s power in our weakness and the Lord loves to use broken things for something greater.
It takes broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, and broken bread to give strength.
Jesus is victorious in every moment of our lives — even when we’re broken into a thousand pieces. And when we’re willing to be okay in our brokenness, we may just be surprised where the Lord asks us to go next.
“So place me on the potter’s wheel, Spin me until there’s nothing left but you in my life…‘Cause brokenness is what I want, to do a work here in my heart…So when you look at me you see your reflection” – Potter’s Wheel by Daniel Bashta
While part one of this blog is about where I was and a glimpse at where I’ve been the last year or so, Part 2 is going to be about where I’m going.
And I’m stoked.
I’ve been given the opportunity to go back on the field and partner with the World Race and Squad Lead “T-Squad” as they launch out on their 11 month journey later this month. I’ll be with them the first 5 months [India, Nepal, Cambodia, Thailand & Malaysia] of their Race with my CO-LEADER [ATeam], and be able to serve alongside them and really invest in each Racer on a personal level.
They have BLOWN ME AWAY with their love, obedience and willingness to grow and go to the hard places.
If you’d like to partner up with me and help support me being out in the nations again, I’d love to connect and talk more about it. If you want to right now, you totally can. Click on the “Support Me!!!” tab on the left or click the link below:
Thanks and much love!
