Hey Jesus,
Dude.
When did being a man become such a struggle?
Not just any struggle, but a constant one where I find it hard to end my childish ways.
You see, there are days when I just don't want to follow you at all.
Days where I'd rather choose to cling to the next trend instead of what I know to be true.
Days where I look back at relationships lost and friendships faded.
Days where I find myself swimming in spiritual adolescence on a path towards ending up being another middle class clone.
It's those times where I know I'm just hiding from who you are.
Sure, I'll say and even preach the right things – but my heart?
The one allergic to showing compassion?
The one that's paralyzed by fear?
The one that keeps me up all hours of the night as I wrestle with the haunting idea of one day not being the husband or father you've called me to?
Man, tell me again why Pixar didn't make a film about this I could have just watched as a child?
Because you see Jesus, enough is enough.
As exhausted as I get from running the journey of being a man…I reject being a boy ever again.
I don't want the feel-good fantasies that I've repeatedly chosen time after time.
I don't want to be passive, fake and constantly wishing I could hit the rewind button to make my life better.
I don't want to feel trapped…doing nothing more than searching for satisfaction…being stuck in the past tense.
I want more. I want to wake up. I want to grow up.
I want to throw up at the idea of being less than what you've created me to be.
When I leave this earth I want to have lived a life of purpose.
I want to be who you want me to be.
A man who puts down his shame for the cross that you bore.
A man who isn't afraid of the dark but instead wraps his arms around James 5:16.
A man who learns how to cry because he isn't ashamed of his tears.
A man who reflects on each instance of falling short and publishes a testimony of praise about your grace.
But I can't do this on my own.
I can't keep being the lord of my own throne.
Not now
Not next week.
Not ever.
I need you.
I need YOU.
And I know that living a life with you is going to lead to hatred and ridicule from others, but if that's what it takes to leave the legacy I want to leave then so be it.
I don't want sit and wish for a better life or be afraid of the dark.
I want to wrap my arms around James 5:16.and confess, pray and watch my heart become healed.
Because I see now that being a man isn't about profanity or making promises I can't keep.
It's not about my insecurities or my perfectionism.
It's not about waking up on Monday and trying to live until Friday.
It's about you.
It's about not wasting a moment and putting down my toys and picking up the gospel.
It's knowing my sin is an after-thought.
It's loving with no bounds.
I know when I leave this world my life is going to have had purpose.
A legacy…
…as a friend, a father and a husband.
I want to love my brothers.
I want to share my heart, hugs and a thousand hallelujahs.
I want that little boy or girl to know from the start where their dad stands.
I want them to know that you desire for us to have big dreams and even bigger plans.
I want them to to know that when you're with us, it doesn't matter what anyone says or does – you're still there and you've got it all under control.
Then there's her…
I know in my past I couldn't love her because I wasn't able.
Fear and insecurities left me trying to cover her with an umbrella that had holes in it.
But being a man changes all of that.
It allows me to love her and honor her like she was your mother.
It allows me to pursue her and want you not just to be my father, but my father-in-law because she's your precious daughter.
You, not us made the blueprint on how to do this.
No toys or games are going to satisfy the thirst I have.
The thirst to be a man who no longer accepts the view of being a man that this world has.
But a man who rests peacefully at night in your holy place and understands it's because you took my hell away.
There's no more hiding behind the mask of a boy.
Not now.
Not next week.
Not ever.
