Has someone ever spoken into your life in a way that leaves you in awe?
Where you walk away wrecked in the best ways, tears streaming down your face, going over each beautiful blind spot they helped you discover?
To those who see this as negative, don’t. Its the one of the most beautiful relationships I have had. I am blessed with people who see the parts of me I don’t, and show them to me with grace and love.
Walking into my one on one with my squad mentor I had no agenda, although I had seen growth in the last month, I didn’t have anything significant on my heart. Ashley felt the same, but soon spoke into my life saying she sees God on the other side of a window, tapping on it to get my attention and let Him in.
BINGO!
This perfectly depicted God’s presence in my life! Without a doubt, He is there and sees all of me, but I’m not ready to let down that last barrier. I’ll let Him see inside, but He can’t enter yet. She also sensed a resistance in me because what God has planned for me may be too wild for me to imagine.
RIGHT AGAIN!
I know God is working in me and calling for more but I resist or ignore it. I know this is a result of my fear of losing who I know me to be. That person is comfortable and knows her place in this world (sort of). I know what to say and do to get by and live comfortably.
God has other plans obviously, or I wouldn’t be sitting in Ecuador right now.
It’s as if I’m standing on a mountain and God is asking me to jump off.
No thanks God, I think I’ll just sit near the edge and see the beauty from here.
Nope, he wants the jump…not only out of obedience and courage, but through trust in Him.
For some reason I cannot say yes. I want Him but I am not willing to surrender to Him.
God is calling me to trust Him and grow into my authentic self, but that is someone I don’t yet know. Someone who others back at home may not recognize or love. What if I jump and those waiting for me don’t like what I become? Is growing into my real self worth the possible rejection when I get home?
God says it is…
He asks for me to grow into MYSELF. Not who my team, squad, family, friends, or church want me to be. To take off the numerous masks I have worn my entire life and let my authentic, bare, raw, self remain; and rest in knowing what is left is worthy of love.
God made ME, not the five other people I try to be! Those are the ones I have made through the years. He doesn’t want those, He wants the beautiful woman He knit together 24 years ago. I was not created to blend in and people please, I was made for more. To be a light in the darkness, one that can’t be ignored or put out.
Imagine a life where I am so rooted in Christ I don’t need the love of others! I yearn to be loved for me, but when I only give people my false self, it will never be anything more than a false love. Like the small number who see the real me, and love it, God loves even more: the good, bad, real, and fake and He loves it ALL…but He wants more for me. His desire is for me to see myself as He does and know there is no need to be something else to earn love and affection. I need to accept and trust in His love enough for me to give it to others without knowing if I will receive it in return. Love isn’t something we have to earn. I don’t have to earn love from God, so love shouldn’t need to be earned from or for me either.
I am filled with excitement for my next step with God, but also terrified. I need to run off the cliff and trust He is not only running each step by my side, but is also carrying me as I fly.
I don’t know what it means to love every part of myself, or to let someone else love it as well, but I do know this is what God is calling me into. To knock down every wall and let Him in, knowing He never gives us more than we can handle. God is a gentleman, who is waiting for me to say yes, and will then gracefully walk me into relationship with Him.
Seeing this only after month one is eye opening for me. God has some big plans for this ole girl and I hope you all stick around for the wild ride I’m about to go on.
If you feel led, I ask you to prayerfully consider donating to my fundraising. I want to continue to grow with God and have Him work though me to His children.
