How am I supposed to say things to these women I cant even admit to myself. The number of things I have not verbalized out loud about myself and my relationship with God could fill a book. Vulnerability is a beautiful thing, but honestly I would rather not partake.
One of our leaders defined vulnerability as holding a handful of bullets in your hand that signify all the brokenness and pain in your life. Then loading the gun and passing it to someone else saying, “I know you can shoot me, but please don’t”.
WOW
How many times do people seem safe, only to shoot us the second they get the gun?
But the truth is, God is calling us to pass it. To take those bullets, full of pain, tears, fear, love, and hate, and give it to others.
Why?
God never meant for us to do life alone.
Could we hold those bullets close to us, never even loading a gun, let alone giving it away?
Yes
But the weight of those bullets was never meant for us alone. On their own, each bullet may be light, but together it is more than one person needs to bear.
Trusting others with our brokenness is not easy, that is why we must trust God with it first. We have to learn how to uncover the darkest parts of us and surrender them to God. Things you have never said aloud or put in a box in the deepest corner of yourself. Tell them to God, give them to God. Honestly, He already knows, but He isn’t going to take something from you that you haven’t given to Him. He is patient and will wait for you to press in and face your brokenness.
Here’s the good news, although He hasn’t been able to take it from you yet, He HAS forgiven you for it. He died for your sin and brokenness long before you committed it.
How beautiful is it that we have a heavenly Father who says yes to you before you make a mistake.
Everyday you wake up and He delights in you. He created you perfectly in His image. But this world with break you and you will mess up. He knows that, and forgives it before you ask.
The greatest part of this relationship is the peace and protection that comes with it.
He will still call you to pass the gun and live in community, but you can rest in knowing you are not taking the hits alone.
Yes, it will still hurt, but it won’t kill you. He surrounds you with his love and takes each blow as you do. He is a God who feels your pain and walks you through the healing.
I am learning to load my gun with more dangerous, heavy bullets, and pass it to God and those He has placed in my community.
Knowing He is right beside me. Calling me to trust in His children just I do with Him, and healing each hit as they come. I challenge you to search your heart for brokenness and ask God where you need to heal. Then let Him in those deep dark corners of your heart.
He is a gentle and loving Father who wants to make you whole again. Don’t carry the bullets of your life alone, learn how to pass the loaded gun to your community, trusting in them and your Father who is by your side.
