Welcome to my most private thoughts, my journal!
March 14th, 2020 (Thailand)
“Well, here we are Jesus, in Thailand. WHAT ARE YOU DOING? WHAT’S THE PURPOSE FOR THIS? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEACH ME BECAUSE WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE, I HONESTLY DON’T WANT TO LEARN IT. YOU BROUGHT ME HERE, NOW WE ARE BEING PULLED FROM THE FIELD? WHY?”
Wow, has it been a while! I am truly sorry about that, I’ve been trying to process the fact that I am HOME. What you read above were my actual thoughts about us being sent home, I was confused, angry, sad, disappointed, and hurt. Now that I look back, I ask myself why did I react that way? Still processing but I am certain that the Lord understands my frustration and meets me right in the middle of this chaos.
If you don’t know yet, our AMAZING organization brought us back home. Their main priority has always been us and our safety, they decided that it was safer for us to be home due to boarders closing and people being severely sick because of this unfortunate virus. AIM, Amy, Keith, Karen, Ashley, Morgan and every staff member, thank you for always prioritizing and loving us! It means the world to have people who truly care for us and have to make these hard decisions. THANK YOU!
These past few weeks, I’ve been in quarantine with three other girls from my squad. We got blessed with an Airbnb, we were there for two weeks and after that we were going home. A day before going home, I had gotten a call from my family that my dad tested positive for coronavirus. My dad had been sick for a couple of days with a fever, chills and cough. During that moment I started struggling with God again and this time it was a bit more difficult. “God, you brought me back, I am heading home tomorrow because you wanted that for me. Now this? I don’t know how you’re going to do it BUT you need to heal him. I have trusted you by leaving everything to serve you for these next 11 months, trusting you on my transition back home and now I have to trust you with my family.” It was hard trusting and understanding God’s plan, I was confused and mad, again. My dad started getting better, his fever went away and we’ve been seeing healing happening, honestly God didn’t have to do it but he decided to do it and I’m thankful. When I got home, I started asking God the hard questions and honestly I’m still waiting for God to respond but I will say this. I’m thankful to be back home right now, I needed my family and I think they might have needed me too.
I watched Upperooms Sunday service and the pastor spoke about “Being a prayer house.” David had decided to build a house for the Lord but God told him that his son Solomon would build it instead. David was obedient and Solomon started building it, he wanted God’s name to be known and for praise/worship to happen. As we keep reading 2 Chronicles 6:1, God keeps mentioning “my name might be there” or “build my house for my name” and “There I have set the ark, which is the covenant of the Lord that he made with the people of Israel.” As we continue reading, “Solomon finished the Temple of the Lord, as well as the royal palace. He completed everything he had planned to do in the construction of the Temple and the palace. Then one night the Lord appeared to Solomon and said, “I have heard your prayer and have CHOSEN this Temple as the place for making sacrifices. At times I might shut up the heavens so that no rain falls, or command grasshoppers to devour your crops, or send plagues among you. Then if my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and RESTORE their land. My eyes will be open and my ears attentive to every prayer made in this place. For I have CHOSEN this Temple and set it apart to be holy—a place where my name will be honored forever. I will always watch over it, for it is dear to my heart.” In the Bible it mentions that when all scenarios happen such as if you sinned against your neighbor, enemies overtake you, famine happens, plagues, disasters, warfare, captivity, sin, and rebellion come. May we go through them, go back to him and sit in his prayer house. As I was listening to the sermon, I got the realization (thanks holy spirt) that he’s asking us to go back to being a prayer house. God decided to chose that place as a resting place, are we choosing him to be ours?
Just because my location has changed, he hasn’t. That doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my squad or miss being overseas, miss sharing God’s goodness and sharing his hope. It’s okay for me to miss it but there’s work to be done here. People also need to feel loved here, they need to know who brings peace during these fragile and scary moments. God is asking me to go deeper in prayer and obedience through his word, God is asking me “Are you ready to be a prayer house here in Dallas? Are you ready to arise in your family and community? Are you going to continue to seek after me even if you don’t have your squad with you? Are you still willing to follow me? Even if that requires for me to remove everything away from you? Are you still going to say YES?” As I mentioned before, I am still going through the motions. One thing I am certain of: I want his name to be known, I want a revival in my family, community and country. This is bigger than the church I assist, who my pastor is, who my family is, it’s a relationship and establishment he wants to make with us. He’s seeking us out! He’s bigger than all of this, that doesn’t belittled what you are going through but there’s hope through that because he’s bigger. He has control over it. Seek after his voice that when hardships occur, we won’t be shaken but we’ll be centered in Christ. Let us respond to his secret place. I don’t know what’s going to happen, that’s the honest truth. Kinda lost BUT I am certain that the Lord is wanting me to be a prayer house. That’s what I am going to do, go deeper and cling unto who he is. We made it thus far, he’s not done yet.
After spilling my thoughts, I want to tell you this. We will overcome this, there’s hope, he won’t leave you, and he loves you. He wants to rest with you. He wants you to keep building a prayer house for him. You are his son/daughter and his favor and blessing won’t only stop with you but it’ll go for generations and generations. Wherever you are, he is for you! (Listen to “The blessing” by Kari Jobe/Elevation)
Are you ready to respond to being a prayer house? Are you ready to hear from him? Are you ready to go through every scenario and run back to him to hear his voice? This is a big commitment but I will say this, he wants to be with you and through every struggle and hardship, he won’t leave you.
Do you have any prayer request, send them my way.
Love you guys.
