Labels are for filing. Labels are for clothing. Labels are not for people.
I think all my life I have struggled with feeling like I am not part of anything, that my life doesn’t impact or bring good to those around me. It’s been a constant lie that I have told myself since I can remember, and a constant battle to remind myself that I am important and that I am wanted.
When I applied for The World Race it was out of a desire to figure out who I am and wanting to help others, I had just gotten back from backpacking Europe and enjoyed getting to travel around getting to meet new people and just exploring everything that The Lord created. Shortly after I had come home from Europe the relationship I had been in ended, and I was so devastated. I didn’t care so much about the relationship as I knew that it wasn’t good for me but I was upset because it had made me feel wanted, and when it ended I had to come to grips with a lot of emotions that I had been suppressing. One of those being, that those around me didn’t like or want me.
I quickly knew I was being called to doing something that was going to push me out of my comfort zone and was going to grow me in the ways that I hadn’t been honest with. I knew I loved children, and honestly wanted to see more of the world because who knows if I will be able to when I am older.
In turn I have embarked on this adventure with 5 people I didn’t know for 11 months expecting to be molded and pushed in ways I never thought, and it already has. One month in and I am already being faced with growth, with that community is hard and you have some hard conversations.
Recently our team feedback brought up the subject of me being defensive and feeling like I was being attacked. After much discussion, it was said that maybe it isn’t the things that have happened but the way I am viewing them instead that I am not even aware of. That I view the world and those around me as always against me, that I must constantly fight and protect myself from others….
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How had I never thought that, I mean it made perfect sense, all my childhood was a constant battle and I did have to protect myself, but that isn’t the case anymore. My environment has changed; I haven’t been attacked or beaten, so why do I still have this view that I would be, and why had I never seen this before. I do view the world and people around me as constantly against me, I think that everyone dislikes me and that I must fight to protect myself from their rejection. Like when they don’t think to invite me to something I immediately feel that they are against me and don’t want me there and in fact it’s just that they didn’t think to invite me, it had nothing to do with them not liking me. The world is not against me, and that is what I have said to myself every day and it’s so insane how in situations that changes everything! Like everything! Sometimes the truth just needs to be brought to the light for change to happen.
I feel good about where I stand but I am still working on figuring out who I am. I have spent so much of my time thinking about what others must think of me and how to be this “perfect person”. Even as I write this I am telling myself that my writing doesn’t have to be perfect, it’s okay there are mistakes and if no one likes it then that is okay too. The world is not against you, sometimes people aren’t going to like what you write, but at least you are trying and working at it. Life isn’t a sprint; you can’t just flip a switch and be perfect. The things you are struggling with and growing in are going to take time. Give yourself grace and patience and know you are so loved, chin up and breath.
