It’ll be four years in June.
Four years since I knew that I wasn’t going to be his bride. For years since the “we” type of thinking would go back to just being the “me” kind of way of life. Four years since all that planning and dreaming wouldn’t see its completion in a marriage. Four years since I got that sweet white dress you always dream of as a little girl. Four years that a space in my closet has been occupied by a long white bag. Four years since I was going to be a Mrs. Four years since I left my future in a driveway waving me goodbye. Four years since I literally felt like my heart would beat out of my chest. Four years since I drove away from what I thought my future children’s father would be. Four years since I asked the questions Why? But How will I make it? What about him? What did I do wrong? Where did we go wrong? How will I ever love again? How will I trust again? Will I ever be a bride again? Four years since I laid in bed sleepless wondering if I made a mistake. Four years since my future was shattered. Four years since I cried and curled up like a baby. Four years since I scanned every sweet little item that we wanted in our first home together. Four years since people came to celebrate marriage with me. Four years since I went to stores and purchased things for my wedding day. Four years since I hugged him or felt his touch.
I can remember the day I finally called off the wedding (or marriage, really). I remember calling my Mother and in broken words just asking for her to come to Dallas to get me. I needed her. I remember being broken. I wasn’t just hurting, I was shattered. I remember the 20 hours it took for her to get there. I sat in a fetal position on the bed, crying and questioning the last year and a half of my life. I remember mourning the loss of my future. David and I had fun together—a lot of fun together. We were so happy around each other when we could just live a carefree life—but when life demanded our character’s best—that’s when it came unraveled. That’s when there wasn’t peace. I remember running that through my head, that this was the right decision—we weren’t meant to be married. I’d be okay.
But then my Mom came. We packed up all of my things. We started to go through some things, but then I would break down and cry because I would see memories of sweet happy times. So, we just packed it all up. His stuff. My Stuff. Our stuff. Anything and everything. We just packed it up. David, with the sweet heart that he had, packed up all of our stuff in the back of the U-Haul and when it was finally time to leave my Mother waited in the drivers seat for me.
He waited at the back of the truck and I slowly just walked to him. I just looked at him and wondered if I was doing the right thing. I hugged him one last time. I wrapped my arms around him and felt that feeling at least one more time. I got through an “I am so sorry” and I just walked to my side of the truck. I got in and we left. I watched him until my eyes just couldn’t see him anymore. And I haven’t seen him since.
Even writing this, it brings me back to some really hard and raw feelings. It hurts. It makes my voice shake. It makes this pit in my stomach turn and do cartwheels.
It’s been four years. It’s been the hardest four years that my life has ever seen. Guaranteed.
It’s also been the most beautiful four years I have ever experienced.
As I type this and I think about that moment four years ago—and I think of all I have experienced in the last four years, I am simply humbled. Because he taught me 2 lessons from that.
The first, that he makes beauty from ashes. What I just described was ashes, but He has so powerfully and beautifully led me to beauty. He is faithful, and He will provide when you give it to Him.
He can’t provide, however, if you never hand it to Him.
Because you will always steal His cape at the last moment.
And the second sweet lesson I learned was this:
Before He is going to allow me to be the bride of man,
He is first asking me to be the Bride of Christ.
And so for me, right now, being the Bride of Christ is the most beautiful thing I have ever known.
Those moments, that pain I described up there, it’s been worth every tear that has dropped. Every pitted stomach night. Ever fetal position cradled. Every frustration. Every heartbreak. Everything.
Because the lessons I have learned in just being His are incredible. The way He has been my strength. The way my “Me” type of life was going, and that it has been transformed again to the “We” type of thinking that is both Christ and I. Y’all, it’s incredible.
God has taught me more about marriage OUTSIDE of being married to prepare me more for when I am a bridge again.
Because if I can’t be a bride to a perfect Groom, how can I be a bride to a flawed groom?
I can tell you first hand, being in a relationship isn’t about you. It’s not about serving yourself. It’s not about happiness. It’s not about your glory—It’s about God and holiness.
The sweet thing I have learned in the last four years, has been that I will marry my husband for holiness. For God’s glory. I cannot wait to know the man who brings me closer to my King. I cannot wait to encourage, love, respect, submit, pray for, endure, serve, and to do life together with my groom. It’s not about me. It’s about my King being glorified even more than He was when I was single.
You guys, I know…. It’s hard being alone. It’s also the most beautiful thing I have ever known. God has purpose for us. His time is right. His time is perfect. His time is thought out.
And from experience, it is far better to be alone and in sync with your King than it is to be with someone to fill a void.
I am certain that it is better to be alone and joyful serving the Lord than to be with someone, sometimes happy, all the time longing and being distracted from your true purpose.
OUR PURPOSE IS TO BE GLORIFYING GOD.
It’s been four years since God pursued me and brought me back to His feet.
The most beautiful four years, yet.
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APRIL 26TH– Writer’s Night and Silent Auction in Murfreesboro!!!
*Some of the Auction Items are Work Out Sessions with a Biggest Loser finalist, hair cuts, paintings, children’s clothes, photography, jewelry, etc.
*Some of the Writers and Singers are Ken Harrell, Tonja Rose, Kayla Harrell, Suzanne Hicks, AJ Masters, and Shaye Smith!
Andddddd These shirts below are $20 each {plus 3 shipping if not close enough to meet up 🙂 }
*You can get them in V-Neck or Crew Neck
*Youth Medium to Adult 3XL
*All money goes directly to me and my year! 🙂
