Training Camp was May 17-24. I literally haven’t been able to fully process everything that happened. It was one of the hardest weeks of my life. Not because of the bugs, lack of sleep, weird food, being outside all the time, etc. I realized things about myself that had been buried behind a door that I didn’t even know existed.
I remember feeling like I did when I called of my wedding–that feeling of knowing it is going to be so difficult but that I was going to come out looking more like Jesus on the other side. Well, that’s what I felt all week. It was hard. It made my core ache inside.
But I realized VERY quickly that I struggled with acceptance in so many different areas of my life. I looked to humans to tell me I worked hard enough. I was pretty enough. I was funny enough. I was caring enough. I was attractive enough. I was talented enough. The list could go on and on. It overflowed into so many things– work, family, relationships, friendships, church, growth, etc.
And y’all– I just got sick of it.
So here is my prayer journal entry from last week. It’s raw. It’s not sugar coated. It’s not softened. It’s my heart. It’s the state it was in. And eventually, it’s fully surrendered. I am putting it out there this publicly because I have men in my life (on this Squad and outside the Race) that I want them to know I don’t want acceptance from them anymore, I want more of Jesus. Women, I don’t need your confirmation–I want my King. I want to be that for you. This isn’t about me anymore. This is about how great our God is. How much He keeps pursing us. That I get to lay this at His feet and be done. So, it’s done.
Because I can keep focusing on how much I don’t love God well enough–and get no where.
Or I can choose to focus on how much He loves me and let Him take me anywhere.
My prayer for you is that at the end–you’ll see that it is He who makes us worthy. This is a journey the Lord and I are taking together…and if you are still searching, might I invite you to take the journey alongside Him, too?
Because honestly, you truly are worthy.
We are truly worthy
(And P.S.–It has nothing to do with you and I).
For our sake HE made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
2 Corinthians 5:21
Journal Entry from Friday May 30th.
My desire to be accepted by man and your creation has poisoned relationships—those with close friends, family, brothers and sisters, complete strangers and the most important one—ours. I am sick of it running into my life in so many areas because I don’t just rest in you. I seek after your creation so hard that I don’t even stop and see you. I find comfort in acceptance in man even though I am not accepting what you have called me to. I find comfort in flirting with men and choose to ignore the destruction of flirting with sin. I define acceptance on human terms and fail to see the divine beauty in your acceptance. I have chosen to pursue guy after guy and stripped them of the leader you have placed in them. I have put more worth in being labeled worthy in their eyes than I have of being white and new in yours. I have chosen selfish desire and ignored your unselfish cry of redemption. I have been searching for acceptance through words of men all while reading yours and simply dismissing them. I have tried to speak worth into women but choose to let words of truth bounce off my darkened heart. I have both listened and read the truth so many times, but fall into the lies that my acceptance comes from a flawed men. I am looking for a divine definition of acceptance and worth in the words, hearts, and actions of equally as flawed humans.
Even though you have called me into a new generation, I find my worth in a fallen generation.
And God, I am sick of it. I am tired. I am exhausted. I am frustrated. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to carry this around. I don’t want to take another day of inadequacy home with me. I want to go to bed free and I want to wake up free. I want to go to bed divine because you have called me divine. I want to wake up righteous and live in it all the day long. I want to wake up to your beauty and fall asleep knowing I fall in that category. I want to see your creation, every part of it, and love it more because it is part of you. I want to see my brothers and sisters and see you pouring out over them. I want to love them because you love them and not for what they can make me feel like. I want to pursue them with a love that only comes from you. I want to drop this superficial, selfish, fill me up, fallen way of relationship and I just want to fall into you. I want to love because they deserve to see you. I want to rest in you because you rest in me. I want to drop this journey of finding acceptance and go back to you. I want to find you again, God. In the midst of all of this. In the midst of all of these lies swimming in my heart and mind—I just want to find you again.
And God, something I have needed to surrender for years. I am so sorry for the way I have treated your sons. I have looked to them for self-gratification, selfish desire, and selfish intent. I know they are loved, I know what you say about them—but I always thought it was necessary to find out what they said about me. I chose to see them for something that could benefit me and my glorification and not a beautiful vessel of benefiting your Kingdom and your glorification. I chose to pursue them in a way that I could get out if they thought I was beautiful—then I found rest in that—not in you. I pursued them to find out if I was funny, gorgeous, talented, athletic, hard-working, etc. I used them as my measuring stick, not your word. I am done. I am sick of it. I am exhausted. I am getting nowhere but sitting in a pool of destruction and frustration. I hand this over to you. It’s yours now. Lord, I don’t surrender this over because I am sick of the way it makes me feel—I am handing this over because I am sick and tired of what it is doing to you and I. To your heart. To your daughters. To your sons. To your creation.
God. I am sorry. I took your divinely spoken words and used them as opinions. I took what you spoke over me before I was even on this planet as just a mere idea. Of something that could be true. Something that could happen. I didn’t however, put worth in what you said. I just took it as a consideration. I made you small. I put you in a box, if I even gave you that much room. God, I am sorry. I chose to see you in my image rather than seeing me in yours. I made you like me. I put my limitations, my beliefs, my flaws, my downfalls on you. I stripped you of your divinity in my mind. I made you a god, and not my God. I took your creation and made it greater than you. Because I believe you are the great Creator, I must be a great Creation. Lord, I know this is going to take some time to walk and to live in this truth, but Father press it on me daily. Keep the consequences of my actions coming so that I will learn. I trust in you, Lord. You’re my only constant. Take me and make me new again, Lord.
I am sorry for thinking I had something to do with my worth—because that’s your domain.
I am sorry I thought I could measure my worth by words of man—because your love cannot be measured. I am sorry I tried to make my own way—because your ways are better than my ways. I am sorry I thought I knew what I was worth—because your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. I am sorry I put you in a box—because you cannot be contained.
And lastly God, I want to thank you and praise your name. Because no matter how hard I was pursuing the acceptance of man you were still pursuing me. You still showed up. You still poured out over me. You still spoke truth in my life. God, you even still used me. But that’s because that’s who you are. You see the broken as whole. I am not even broken in your eyes, I am complete. God, I don’t want clarity anymore—I just want your vision. I want to see things as they are. Including me—I want to see me as whole, yours, and completed. God, you are incredible. You breathed your very breath into me. I don’t want to discredit that any longer Lord. You came off your throne, became man, and died for me–all while still being our Lord seated on the throne. Father, take my humble effort of laying this at your feet. Thank you, Lord for calling me worthy. I want to walk with you wherever you want me to go.
I mean that, wherever you take me, I want to walk hand in hand with you.
Your beautiful Creation.
