Yesterday, I was chatting with my mother on skype and realized that I have not been using my blog as part of my ministry. At first, I didn’t want to believe it. I want to share details about where I am and what I am doing. The end. But, to fully use this blog to God’s glory, I have to share my heart. I don’t want to share my heart with the world. I want people to see the good in my life. I want people to see that I am happy. If I put my true feelings on the internet they will be there forever. Those were my immediate thoughts when this came to my attention. So, I prayed about it. Now, here i am about to share my heart. Those thoughts were fearful and weak. If I am to be a steward of the identity Christ has instilled in me, I will not be fearful of sharing my heart.
When arriving in Ireland I felt an overwhelming sense of peace. Now, I have realized that peace was complacency. Ireland feels so much like home. Without the accents and delicious pastries it could be mistaken for America. The people are so kind and hospitable, a lot like my friends and family at home in Tennessee. I will not be complacent.
The first couple of weeks I was here I completely lost track of the reasons I came on the world race. I was constantly thinking about myself, and how I could find pleasure in material things. When in Haiti the only way I could find pleasure was going to the rooftop to sing at the top of my lungs to Jesus. Here it only takes the purchase of a pair of earrings to make that kind of joy happen. When I was at home I realized that something was wrong, but I couldn’t figure out what it was. I now realize that it was finding joy in the wrong things. I can go to a mall and spend enough money to feed a family of four in Haiti for a month. My joy will be found in the Lord.
After about 30 minutes in Galway I decided it was time to go to the mall. (There is an amazing store in Ireland called Penney’s that fed my obsession for cheap, durable clothes.) So I decided that Penney’s should be my first stop. Of course, I walked directly to the sale section (my mama taught me well) and found a dress that was quite lovely. After a while of shopping I decided I needed to try the dress on before I could by it, even though it was only 5 Euro (about $7). I walked into the horribly lit dressing room and put on the dress. All of these thoughts started running through my head. Kendra you have gained weight. Kendra this dress looks disgusting. Look at your legs. Go for a run. Stop eating Kendra. You need to lose at least 20lbs. Basically, I was disgusted by myself. So I put the dress back on the rack and went outside of the store to listen to my ipod while I was waiting for my friends to finish shopping. While on the world race my ipod is my escape mechanism. When I’m at home I can just hop in my car and drive out into the country and forget about the world. Since I have no alone time here I use my ipod to try to escape. Finally, my friends were done shopping, we hopped on a bus, and I pouted the entire way back to the campground. Thankfully, Stacey and Leah were going on a run when we got back so I kind of followed behind (we can’t go anywhere alone) and spent some time with God. I knew it was the only way I could get away from what I thought were my own thoughts. Soon after my talk with Jesus I realized they weren’t my own thoughts at all, they were lies from satan himself.. Those lies have been holding me back. Not only from ministry, but also from my life back home. I will not listen to satan’s lies.
I hated my body.
I was not committed enough.
I didn’t love enough.
I didn’t die to myself.
I realized I didn’t die to myself (Galations 2:20) and had become a double-minded man (James 1:7-8). Divided between God and the world.
It is so easy to be distracted by the world. It is so easy to be complacent in your daily life. It is so easy to forget about God and replace Him with material things.
My goal on the world race is to lose sight of that double-minded man that I have been. To be so in love with God and His people that my reputation no longer exists. My reputation is dead, and now I must rely on God’s reputation. If I am crucified with Jesus I have no reputation. If I have no reputation, I have no shame. I am laying down my reputation for the sake of love. By doing this hopefully God will save some souls.
This is a poem that Leah Mohrig posted on her blog (http://leahmohrig.theworldrace.org) that really spoke to me. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
BECAUSE…
I made her…She’s different. She’s Unique. With love I formed her in her mother’s womb. I fashioned her with great joy. I remember with great pleasure the days I created her (Psalm 139:13-16). To Me she’s beautiful…I love her. I love her smile. I love her ways. I love to hear her laugh and the silly things she says and does (Psalms 139:17). She is herself, and no one else…this is how I made her. I made her pretty, but not beautiful; because I know her heart, and she would be vain….I want her to search out her heart, and learn that it would be Me in her that would make her beautiful…and it would be Me in her that would draw friends to her (1 Peter 3:3-5). I made her in such a way that she would NEED Me. I made her a little more lonesome than she would like to be….only because I want her to lean and depend on Me. I know her heart. I know if I had not made her like this, she would go about her own chosen way and forget Me….her Creator (Psalm 62:5-8) I have given her many good and happy things…because I LOVE HER (Psalm 84:11, Romans 8:32). I have seen her broken heart, and the tears she has cried all alone. I have been with her and have had a broken heart too (Psalm 56:8). Many times she has stumbled and fallen alone only because she would not take My hand. So many lessons she has learned the hard way, because she would not listen to My voice (Isaiah 53:6). So many times I have sat back and sadly watcher her go her merry own way alone, only to watch her return to My arms, sad and broken (Psalm 34:18). And now she is mine again! I made her and then I bought her. I paid a high price for her, BECAUSE I LOVE HER (Romans 5:8). I have had to reshape and remold her….to renew her to what I had planned for her to be. It has not been easy for her…or for Me (Jeremiah 29:11). I want her to be conformed to My image. This high goal I have set for her because,
