Sitting here on my mattress in Uganda sweating while I write this and listening to goats, chickens, cows, and babies crying… I am frustrated.
I am frustrated that things aren't going as planned.
I have looked forward to Africa for so long especially Uganda.
I thought this would be “the place". The place that I'd fall in love with.
The place where I would fall in love with the people, the children, the culture.
I would fall in love with everything and everyone and never want to leave.
While I do love this place it hasn't really happened the way I wanted it to and I have to remember that those were my plans not His.
To be quite honest it is hard being here. This is our 3rd month in Africa and it's getting to me.
The heat is getting to me. Hearing Mzungu every minute is getting to me. These people are sweet and precious but I find myself missing my old life. I am finding myself at this place where I'm trying to grasp any part of my old life that I can.
Lately, I have felt like just laying in my bed all day thinking about how I will get to see my family in 5 months or how I will have a real shower, my own bedroom, a washing machine, and how I can eat anything I want.
The truth is that on this journey you have days you feel it and days you don't.
Everyday is a fight. To be here is a fight. This race is tough. Satan gets at you daily and you have to make the choice everyday to die to yourself.
Its like what John the Baptist said: “He must become greater; I must become less.” John 3:30
It's been hard coming to the realization that this “thing” isn't about me. It's not about me being happy, it's not about me being comfortable, and it's not about me getting to see something cool. It's about serving these people whether I feel like it or not. It's about daily surrendering everything to God and through this process Him molding me to look more like Christ.
I think about what my teammates and I just read from the book Forgotten God:
“The Holy Spirit of God will mold you into the person you were made to be. This often incredibly painful process strips you of selfishness, pride, and fear… The Holy Spirit does not seek to hurt us, but He does seek to make us Christlike, and this can be painful.”
And that is what I am looking forward to. I have felt so weak lately. This life of abandonment is breaking me down. God is literally stripping me of everything I am trying to hold on to. It hurts and it's hard but I am thankful and I am trusting that it's molding me to look more like Jesus. Even if I don't feel like I am changing or growing I can stand on his word and rejoice that His power is made perfect in my weakness.
“That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10
Every month has been hard in its own special little way. This month it's realizing I am just a vessel for Him. I am merely a vapor, a flower: here one day gone the next.
