Some of you may know that when I was about 12, I stepped on a rusty nail and tore my foot open. Ever since then, my left foot has not been the same. The nails are gross and grow up instead of out, they’re discolored, my foot peals, turns read, itches, and hurts. TMI? Sorry, but it’s important.
For years I have tried to treat it. I’ll be diligent for a week or so, but when it gets a little better I stop treating it. Then, it gets bad again and the process repeats. During all this, I keep my nails painted so they don’t look so bad.
This may seem like a silly thing to share, but the Lord uses all kinds of things to teach us.
A few weeks ago, when I decided to redo my toe nails to keep them looking better than they really are, I decided, instead, to leave them unpainted so I would be reminded to apply medicine to them diligently and the medicine would not be blocked by the paint.
Therefore, my team has seen the true grossness of my foot as I try to get it to heal, but I’ve gotten over the embarrassment.
When I was sitting with the Lord this morning, I looked down at my foot and realized that it looks better than it has since I was 12. Sure, it would look better if it was painted and the flaws were hidden, but it’s the healthiest it has been in years.
I know this is because I’ve brought it into the light. For years I have tried to hide that imperfection. I’ve dealt with it only when I needed to in order to hide it better. I’ve kept it covered, and protected it from the judgment of others. But through exposing it, real healing has occurred.
This morning, I heard the Lord tell me that I do that in many areas of my life. I hide my pains and struggles behind walls of laughter and misdirection. If something is brought up that makes one of my struggles evident, I deal with it only enough to hide it again. I’m afraid to let others see the messiness in my life.
I thought it was because I didn’t want to burden them, but I’m learning that I’m afraid to deal with it. I’m afraid to feel it. I’m afraid to look like I don’t have it all together. I’m afraid of what walking through it will look like.
But it is clear that the Lord calls us to walk in the light.
1 John 1:6-7
“If we claim to have fellowship with him and yet walk in darkness, we lie and do not live out the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.”
It’s a scary thing, vulnerability, because then it’s just there, for all my team and the world to see. I have to accept it, face it, and allow it to be prodded and dealt with. But God is light, and therefore, in the light there is only good.
I was also reminded that just as my healthy right foot walks along side my left, so the Lord walks along side me in my messiness. His perfect love keeps me steady.
So I’m beginning to take the bricks down, even if at first they come one by one. I will lower my walls and let the light shine into the dark places. I know it will burn and hurt and at times I will wonder if it is worth it, but I know that He is good.
