A couple months ago, I realized something that brought me to tears —
I hated being a Christian
There were moments when I knew the love of God, moments that I felt connected to something greater and more magnificent than I could comprehend, moments that kept me holding on and fighting for more…
but the majority of my walk as a Christian was about condemnation, shame, and fear.
I saw what life with Jesus looked like for some people, the beautiful freedom and inner joy that flooded their life, but honestly, I had never felt less free.
As soon as I decided to follow Jesus I felt pulled in 100 directions. I was overwhelmed and knew I would never be enough.
I tried to fight sin and resist temptations, but I was weaker than others.
I tried to read the bible, but I didn’t interpret it as well as the others.
I tried to pray, but my words were never as good as others.
I tried to take on some form of leadership, but I couldn’t prove myself as quickly as others.
When I spoke about my testimony I would prepare for hours or even days, making sure it sounded as it should, because if I just spoke from the heart I would not make life with Jesus out as something to be desired.
I wanted people to know the Lord, but I wanted them to know Him the way that other Christians knew Him, the way I WANTED to know Him.
I was still trying to earn the love of Jesus, and every time I inevitably missed the mark, I felt more unwanted and unworthy than before.
I would have told you I was free of legalism, as I certainly did not live the stereotypical “Christian” life, but in reality I had accepted it fully, and with it, defeat, unworthiness, and shame.
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But that is no longer my story!
Last week, at a school in Indonesia, I realized that somewhere along the way, everything had changed –
I shared my testimony, how I came to know the love and grace of God, and I meant every word!
I spoke from the heart and genuinely wanted all the students in front of me to know Jesus as I did.
At the end of our time there, numerous students came forward to receive Christ, or more Holy Spirit, into their lives.
My team and I were able to lay hands on the students and pray for each one of them.
It was beautiful and powerful, and the presence of Holy Spirit was tangible.
The Lord is moving mightily in Indonesia – in the hearts of its people, and in the hearts of our team.
For me, freedom didn’t happen overnight, but I know nothing will ever be the same.
It’s still a process, and the enemy still tries to tell me I have to carry burdens of performance and perfection, but I know in my heart that I’m free of them.
So today I pray for more freedom – for those who yearn for it, for those who don’t know they don’t have it, and for those who believe they have as much as they can get –
God always has more for us.
