On the World Race it’s not unusual to have some sort of a mental break down. Mine just so happened to begin and end with the lack of Blue Bell Ice cream in my life. I was catching up with my twin sister via FaceTime the other day when she informed me that Blue Bell currently only has three freaking flavors back on the shelf; Chocolate, Vanilla, and Butter Pecan. As you may know listeria was found in the production plant of the Blue Bell factories almost a year ago. This resulted in them taking all Blue Bell products off the shelf sadly. At this point I thought Blue Bell would be up and running with all flavors back on the shelf. Well, I was wrong. As a fellow Texan obviously you should understand why I did not take this lightly. So I proceeded to break down in tears over our video chat call. Of course this wasn’t just about ice cream but I guess that was just the thing I needed to hear to send me over the edge.
Recently I was having a conversation with one of my teammates about what people back home will think of us when we come back. Will I be too Christian? Will I be too different? Crap, will I be the same? I realized I definitely don’t wanna be the same. I came on the World Race for a reason and I wanna change and grow into the woman God has planned for me to be. I want to be completely transformed and have a rock solid foundation in Him that no one can shake. Im not saying I haven’t changed yet, I definitely have. But I want more. I feel like ever since I stopped being team leader I stopped relying on Him. I stopped including him in my every day conversations.I stopped listening to what he wanted me to do with my time each day. Now I almost feel like I don’t hear his voice clearly at all.
Here I am month seven of the World Race and honestly I’m tired. I find myself wanting to stay back at the hostel with the air conditioning, the bed, and the wifi instead of going to explore on my off days. When I have access to wifi at my ministry site (which has been rare) I find myself browsing social media, pretend online shopping, (You know when you fill up your basket but never do anything with it cause your broke haha) and catching up on some TV shows that Ive missed. The casual thoughts and conversations of the big question “what am I going to do when I get home” happen much more frequently now in month seven. Actually at this point these thoughts consume me. I have been silently stressing about everything lately. My heart just isn’t here completely and I don’t feel like doing anything about it. I actually like stressing about the whats next questions because sometimes it takes my mind off things going on here. Like the fact that I’m sweating myself to sleep every night and I have four more months of this.
What am I talking about? Eight months ago I was counting down the days to be here. Eight months ago I would have done anything to be sweating in Malaysia and working at an orphanage. Eight months ago I was sitting at my desk wanting the next season of my life to hurry up and start. But now Im sitting here still saying whats next? I want more. But asking whats next isn’t always a bad thing. Yes, I need to stay present but I should be asking God whats next for me TODAY? What more can you teach me TODAY? Thats the kind of more I want. I want more of Jesus. Thats the kind of What next I should be asking about. Whats next Jesus? His water will never run dry. He wants to give us more if we ask for it. So why should I stop asking or wanting more?
“But whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.” -John 4:14
“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you.” -Matthew 7:7
Its time to re-center my thoughts around Him. This trip is not over and He still has so much more planned for me. Whatever is to come when I get back home He already knows so why am I stressing myself out about nothing. So thanks for the reality check God.
As for Blue Bell you have four more months to hopefully have cookies and cream back on the shelfs. My team and I will be sending prayers in your direction haha.
