What is God’s will? People have contemplated that question long before my life came into existence, and will long after I am gone. I am not going to pretend to know, but that topic has haunted me for awhile now. People talk about discovering their calling, as if there is one thing that they are made to do. Don’t know about you all, but to me that communicates that you either discover your calling, or you miss it. It’s a black or white issue. If you were called to be a doctor, and did not figure that out until later in life, that’s unfortunate. You missed your chance.
With Christians, my impression is that they agree more or less, that your purpose in life, in and of itself, is not a career. A career, success, efficiency, and the American dream will not make you happy. That is not the point to life. Sometimes they seem to just tweak the thought a bit though. Instead of asking what career are you called to, it’s “What ministry are you meant to do? Where is your heart, your passion?” Which is not a bad question to ask. If people are 100% confident that they are supposed to work with those that have been trafficked, or work with orphans, that’s great. More power to them. Perhaps I am the one who is somehow missing a sign about what my life purpose is supposed to be specifically. What the “one thing” is that I am passionate about. I have been contemplating this for most of my short twenty three years of life, and have yet to find just one thing that makes me feel alive, that is the one place I feel like I am supposed to be, or what I am made to do with my time.
I have made list after list, brainstormed with people, gotten a variety of experience, and researched. I could have been more focused in my attempts, but the contemplation behind attempting to uncover what I am supposed to do with my life has certainly occurred. By this point, I have decided I cannot settle on one career that I will be completely content with because I am not made for a career. Same goes with one ministry. You can ask me again tomorrow and perhaps my answer will change, but by this point, I do not think I am made to work or to minister in one way over the other. I am made to love God, and to love people. Period. That is it.
We are never going to be completely content on this earth, because we are not made for this world. We are here for a short while, our souls constantly craving more. The way that we pass the time on this earth meanwhile, loving God and people to the best of our ability comes across so drastically different depending on the person, and that is OK. If I can get that through my head, that will make life after the race when it’s time to walk down the next path significantly less overwhelming.
The thoughts that have haunted me about this topic include, “Well I am not positive how God’s will works. Am I made to do long term missions? Would I be of better use overseas or back home? If I am capable of it, and others might not have the same kinds of God given experiences or characteristics, is it a “waste” to not use them? It feels wrong to think that God cares about our efficiency. The fruit we produce is not in our control anyways, so what does it matter? If I felt like I might be called to overseas missions and I decide to stay home, is that out of fear or selfishness, or do all of these things work together in a way that makes it “OK” to make that decision? Does the desire to do long term missions actually come from a selfish place of wanting the adventure that comes with it, or is it a pure motivation? Does it actually matter what the motivation is behind it, or do I trust God can use me wherever I am, for whatever He wants? I know we have free will. Is there such a thing as too much free will? What if I make the wrong decision? Is there such a thing? But that kind of fear is not from God… In the long term, when I picture my life, it’s hazy. I could see it being overseas. That idea is not completely irrational when I think about it, but more than that, the idea of living life with my family and friends sounds the most appealing. And I can think of a million ways that I can love God and people back home, probably better than here. My desire to have a family and settle down has been increasing on this trip. Did God put the desire for me to do missions on my heart so that I could learn all the lessons included in this year, plus grow my heart to have a family, and that was the point of my desire, to get me to this point? This is more like eleven short term trips in a row, as opposed to one long term trip. If I had a different experience with overseas missions, would my perspective be different? Are all of these thoughts consistent with what they would be after I am home again, or are they motivated by a lack of contentment, only wanting what I can’t have? I don’t feel discontent however. Should I be living more in the moment and not even contemplating all of this now and wait until I get home? What does my future look like?”
It can be exhausting trying to sort out what is truth and what is not, which path to take and which one to pass on by. The best option I know is to take it to God, tell Him I have no idea what the hell to do with the mass chaos that is my mind and my heart, admit I have been trying to do this life on my own, AGAIN: and ask for His help. After that, just do my best to trust He will sort it out in due time. When I have tried to plan my life long term, it never works anyways. So we’ll take it one step at a time together.
Disclaimer: This blog is purely to share where my thoughts are. It is not as polished as some of the others, nor do I have all of the answers. The purpose is primarily to keep friends and family updated. Any thoughts, wisdom, or advice is greatly appreciated and very welcome. 🙂
