They say this transition off the field is a wild one. Yeah, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind. But, man has it also been really dang special to see my loved ones, sit at the lake, and see how God has been moving here. As I continue delving in the privilege, reality and beauty of last year—all of the moves of God, incredible relationships, unexpected growth and illumination, these weeks feel like less of a transition and more of a continuum.
Light of the world, we were made to be lights. In the context of different cultures, different homes, all spheres. Who I’m with or where I am does not change the rooted security of my identity and reality of light in me. And yet, this change in community and lifestyle has indeed shook and reinforced the reality of my security in God.
For awhile, I’ve been thinking so much about heritage. The whys, the hows, the understanding. All the things my heart desires to understand that will forever be beyond my conception. Yet truly, the reality that I was a thought of God’s before I came to be means that He has been sovereign over my life forever. Creator and Author. To continue growing in my heritage, I see the torch God is extending for me to carry. And I know that has EVERYTHING to do with the intricacies of His thought for me. Not my plans, but His plan for my life. Not my power, but the legacy He has been building throughout the years.
Much like my time on the train ride home, I figured this time home would be a sweet season of quiet time and rest. Haha. Indeed, it has looked pretty different from that. So much richer than that. So much better than that. So much more dynamic. So much more stretching than that. And through that, God continues reminding me that He is rest. He is daily bread. His is the sustainer. He is the reason for my being, for my identity, for my existence. He is the light in me.
I don’t need a formula. I don’t need consistency. Maybe that’s what I desire, but is that what’s right? I desire 8hrs of sleep, 3 square meals a day, time to debrief. But is that what I need? Is that what God is extending? Do I let my own entitlement get in the way of His invitations? Because each time I die to myself and do as He instructs, I’m left shook by His movement.
God continues speaking that what I need is His presence. What I need is to chase the invitation to be present—not in the past and not in the future. But to be present to the newness, victory, correction, obedience—whatever is being extended. I can simply trust and have faith that He is my daily bread. Enough, abundant, glory in this moment. Moment by moment, failing, receiving grace, abiding with him.
I couldn’t explain or say all that has occurred in the last weeks, but as I continue to live in the moment and find out…..what is my daily bread in this moment? And this moment? In this conversation? In this shift? In this reality? In this blessing? In this struggle?
I continue to see just how sovereign God is and how sobering it is to be His dust. His empowered, enlightened, powerful dusty daughter. My mind and heart have been churning through and through as I die to a new reality of stillness and opening my hands in America. Overseas, life on mission is the mission. In the States, so many other things compete for our identity, time, resources, centering. But, our identity remains. Our God remains. His presence remains. His invitation and Spirit remains.
And His LIGHT is all over the place: in the surprise sleepovers with my college roomie, Syd. Bear hugs from my Grandma. Going grocery shopping with my sweet sister in law, Kari. Good Earth breakfast meetings. Phone date with Randi. Cow Day and quality time with all the Verkaik’s. Going to dinner with my Grandpa Weener. 6am at the docks with Onnie and the fam. Transforming my brother’s attic into a quiet time haven. Watching my best friend walk in promise and marry the ever special man of God designed specifically for her. Blasting worship songs with my nephew over breakfast and watching him raise his little hands, praising Jesus. He’s two. Skipping a long bike ride and just talking for hours at the cafe with D&Mary. Learning a new dance with Kenzie. New Holland lunch conversations with my dear cousin, Jenna. Afternoons with Great Uncle Norm and Aunt Shirley. An 86 year old perspective on my heritage. Grilling at home with my parents. Sunrise Starbucks with Antonio and Daxton. Seeing God’s hand, sovereignty and growth in my family in the last year. Etc etc etc. There is not lacking light around us. There is not lacking presence around us. There is no lack of richness before us.
Where can I flee from your presence. Where can I run? (Ps 139) How can I deny your victory? How can I deny the reality that you are the Light of the world?
Seeing the light doesn’t mean you can be ignorant to the darkness. Some things take time and journey to illuminate—but God continues revealing that abiding in the present with God—it’s there the Spirit moves. His presence means more than resolution, perfection, expectation. We are validated not by resolution, but by security in Him.
These few weeks could hardly be called a transition, like I said, it’s been more of like whirlwind—of emotion, of surrender, of opportunity, of blessing, of deeper love, of movement. As the meet ups, processing and unpacking, laundry and repacking continue, I am reminded that presence is the sustaining we need. Daily bread is enough.
I continue to see living in faith looks different each day. When I was in Morocco, it looked like……. In Kazakhstan, it looked like……Today, as I sit in West Michigan, it looks like…….In a few weeks in China, it will look different still. Yet, the questions seem to remain exactly the same:
Are your hands open, Kels? Are you listening? Are you living out of fear? Are you seeking control? Do you trust that I’m enough? Are you simply resting in the invitation to live fully and freely in the reality of your security and light?
And, that’s about where my processing has taken me. A whirlwind screaming:
“BE STILL, KEEP ABIDING.
TRUST THE DAILY BREAD.
REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!
TETHER YOURSELF TO MY PRESENCE”
And the beautiful thing, my friends, is that these instructions have NOTHING to do with where I am, what I’m doing, how I’m doing, what my schedule looks like. My role doesn’t change because God doesn’t change. We wake up, and we are enough. We wake up, because God has sustained us. We wake up, and God is faithful.
Oh, but isn’t that the hard part. This is where my struggling is. I have been so tempted, so aware, so upfront and close to my flesh in these weeks. This constant battle between what’s supernatural and natural. Yet, in this wrestling, the reality of God’s presence really breaks through. In our dying, we become lights.
As my time at home already quickly winds down, I am so grateful for the window of time I got. For each meeting that did and didn’t have time to happen, thank you for your role in my life. As I continue pursuing the open door and go back out to Asia, I am so thankful for each and every person that has impacted my heart. The acceptance, the journey, the pain, the celebration, my mistakes, God’s victory. I pray and celebrate this is just the beginning of discovering a role, heritage and citizenship in the Kingdom. As I prepare to launch back out on the the field, I continue to find my purpose, my peace and my hope in the promise of God’s word.
We just get to plug in and be lights because our source is Light.
I’m thankful God makes it that simple.
