My heart started pounding as soon as I typed that word. This blog is terrifying to write. The actual definition of vulnerable means “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm” so why on earth would I want to do that?
I thought I was an open and honest person. Most of the time my “vulnerability” looked like me confiding in a friend about my struggles, feeling uncomfortable then making a joke to relieve the tension. That’s how it works right? The endless amount of instagram memes of someone running out of a house on fire with the caption “me avoiding my emotions.” We don’t want to deal with being uncomfortable so we scoop dirt on top of a feeling and bury it so deep inside we forget it’s there.
It doesn’t go away. It sits and when something happens that invokes that feeling of rejection or comparison that I have buried so deeply I feel a little earthquake and I sometimes explode over the littlest of things. My mom uses the word “trigger” a lot but it is a good way of describing a familiar feeling that invokes a deeper root insecurity. I have a lot of those 🙂
For example, I have always struggled with a spirit of rejection. I have often felt that despite my hard work and effort I am not anyone’s first choice. Whether that came to youth group drama club, boys or even my family I always think I am intruding on someone’s life or plans. So when someone makes a comment “Kelsey why are you even here” while joking around, I obviously take that way more seriously due to my past insecurities.
I think I went a few years without crying. I would “cry” like at sad movies or if I was frustrated, but there were many times I felt like bursting into tears and sobbing from such deep wounds. Instead of letting myself process and grieve, I would swallow the pain and it would sometimes surface as quick outbursts of anger and offense.
I was on vacation with my family in the Poconos this summer and my sister made a casual comment that angered me so much I snapped at her in the middle of dinner calling her awful names and completely shocking the dinner table. It was an out of body experience as I realized I had harbored and held on to lies of insecurity and rejection that erupted in such a destructive way. Later that night, I finally sobbed to her and my mom and I felt the last few years of building a “bad bitch” persona melt away to reveal a damaged girl trying to recover from her past without ever processing it.
Since then my entire world has changed. I committed to a year-long missions trip. I have been excited to get involved with church and I don’t dread the early mornings. I strive to make healthy decisions and sometimes fall short but overall I have a completely different mindset. I believe that came from allowing myself to be vulnerable. The thing is being vulnerable with people (especially boys let’s be honest) can be unhealthy because you are susceptible to harm. But God will never hurt you or attack you. He is there to guide you, love you and protect you. So, when I was vulnerable with Him and the people who love Him (and me), my world was rocked. It is continuously rocked and I want to stay in a place of vulnerability so I can always be growing and digger deeper into His plans for my life.
