A terrifying thought occurred to me as I was trying to sleep a few weeks ago.
Did I choose to go on the World Race just because I needed an excuse so no one would question me leaving New York City?
My subconscious fumbled with this question for the next week or so. Should I even go? Did I actually consider the repercussions of an entire year away just to avoid an awkward conversation? Was I so afraid of people thinking “I failed” that I was willing to commit to something this crazy?
I tried to remember the initial feeling of excitement when I got accepted to the race back in August. I tried to remember how everything just fell into place and I felt such a peace. It all feels so blurry now due to the hundreds of hours waiting on tables to pay for this trip. The last few months at home have been rough. I’ve struggled more with my anxiety and mental health than I ever have which makes it really hard to trust God’s plan. Questions like “did I make all of this up in my head” are more common as I wrestle to sleep at night.
The other night at the restaurant I was serving a couple. They were nice but we didn’t really talk, I don’t even know if I told them my name. Then towards the end of their time I dropped the check and smiled and the man said to me “I feel like God wants me to tell you that you’re supposed to travel soon.”
WHAT??
I stopped dead in my tracks and was like you’re kidding me. How incredible is our God that through the wrestling, tears and anxiety He finds ways to remind us that we’re on His path. That even through questioning our motives and behavior He is present and with us. I am also so grateful for the man who risked sounding crazy to tell me something that meant so much.
I can’t tell you why my life looks the way it does. I can’t even solidify the initial motives of why I chose the Race. But I am confident that God is blessing this time in my life and this trip is something that will change and shake me to my core. I am so ready to be completely wrecked by a God who reaches for me in my lowest points where I don’t even feel like I’m acting like a “christian.”
The enemy hits hard before breakthrough in God’s kingdom. “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” Romans 8:18. I cling to this verse as I struggle with finding joy in my day-to-day, knowing that the lessons I’m learning will come to fruition with continuous surrender and gratitude. He knows the desires of my heart and regardless of my questions He will continue to be faithful.
