In some ways I feel like I’ve dug myself into a hole I can’t get out of. I come home from the race broke as a joke, no income, and a tidy pile of student loan debt staring me in the face. Now I am choosing to do something that requires me to raise funds again in an even shorter amount of time than before. I must seriously be off my rocker. I’ve never felt more helpless and somewhat ashamed. I’m 27 living with my parents and no real way of supporting myself. By societies standards I’m doing life all wrong. Failure is an ever present stalker that doesn’t have to say or do anything to make me feel it lingering around. I came back from Project Searchlight confident in my decision to join The Fellowship, and I still am. What I wasn’t expecting was how much harder it made being home. I’m not who I was before the race. I’m not what I was on the race. Now I feel like I’m living a third life trying to string together the threads of everything attempting to adjust in peace. God did I really make a mistake?
I’ve been meditating on the book of Joshua since I got home and it’s done my heart so much good. I love the resolve Joshua and Caleb have because they see things for what they are and it still does not deter them from believing what it can be by remembering God’s promises. I want to have a mindset like that. Israel was ready to fight for the promised land and take their inheritance. Their first target was Jericho, and I’m sure they expected a good battle attempting to break through the wall. While I was reading the story again what stood out to me was as Joshua and his army approached Jericho a man appeared on a hill sword in hand. Joshua inquired if he was friend or foe. “Neither,” he replied, “but as commander of the army of the Lord I have now come… See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands…” He goes on to explain how they are to march with the trumpets and not to utter a single word or battle cry until the final day. I have to wonder how dumbstruck the people of Jericho were as they anxiously waited the assault only to see them marching in circles worshipping.
I feel like I’ve done the hard part of traveling through the desert that was the race as God stripped layer after layer from my heart and taught me so much about myself and him. Now he has me crossing over and facing my Jericho. It’s extremely difficult to keep a mindset of worship when there is a sense of obligation to be filled. Israel could’ve easily marched in knowing the city was theirs, but God was testing them to see how obedient they would be. Before they kept taking matters into their own hands, and now God wants them to just wait and worship before taking any action. There would be no denying his authority in victory and Israel couldn’t claim it for themselves and get prideful. The people in Jericho probably mocked and taunted them as they circled. The temptation to go for it must’ve been a struggle for some. They could’ve easily justified their actions as claiming God’s promise. What I have learned though is God not only wants us to steward our promises and blessings well, but also our actions in which we take to receive them.
I’m in a position where I’m making my rounds and at times it doesn’t make sense to me or probably anyone else. It’s frustrating and discouraging, but I heard once when you’re frustrated with God it’s typically because you have enough faith to know he will do it and are trying to understand the when and how. After Israel crossed the river one man from each tribe picked up a stone from the riverbed and built an altar with them on the other side as a reminder for how God split the sea and performed all his wonders. My stones are the journal entries I have from the race and before. I hate feeling like a slave to the lender, and it means making hard choices and saying “no.” I’m still learning. I’m still going to trust in the vision he’s given me for the future and chase opportunity.
