It’s 1:30 in the morning and my mind just cannot shut off. I hate these kinds of nights. The body says rest, but the mind refuses to give it any sort of reprieve. Right now I feel stuck in limbo until launch. They told us upon leaving camp the most important thing is to stay present and make the most of the time up until we leave. It’s been harder than ever to stay focused at work, and I miss my squad family. The struggle to not wish away time between now and then is a hard one.
Since I’ve been home God did something I thought was never going to happen, and that was bringing some closure and restoration to a friendship I had almost given up on. A lot happened that left me so angry and distraught, but at camp one night he tapped into something. The speaker said sometimes we need to allow ourselves to fully grieve something even if we think we’ve processed it. However emotions have a funny way of lingering. I thought I had processed everything, but my heart was quickly revealed and I cried a good long ugly cry for a multitude of things. It seems so simple, but I didn’t know it was ok to cry over things past if it still caused pain or insecurity. I had been walking around crippled with a poison that was preventing new fruit from forming. So I let the tears come; bitter, hot tears of sadness built up from time. After I felt a weight lift I never knew was there. He spoke to me tenderly coaxing the last bits out, and I laid a few more things down to say “I’m done.”
Being without a car since my accident has forced me to slow down and think some more on a few things and it was revealed to me that I don’t allow myself enough time to process anything traumatic that happens. Instead I force my emotions through and push onward because the less time in that place the better. I don’t fully let it all run its course and so it bottlenecks. With what I’m about to experience in some of the darkest corners of the world I cannot afford to stuff down.
Choosing to live in the present is a daily struggle I am learning to abide by. God always has a bunch of little encouraging gifts scattered about and they can be so easily missed. In my last post I was still pondering what my 11 things I would leave behind were. Well I believe my list is starting to fill up:
1. Pride- This is a biggie for me. I take a lot of pride in my accomplishments and skills. I deem myself pretty well-rounded, but it has taken so much away from wanting to do things in love and for Christ.
2. Worth from others- I fear being left out, or missing out. My decisions can revolve around social activities instead of choosing what God wants best in the moment which means I tend to overcommit.
3. Excuses- I’m done with this. Instead of being open to praying for someone in Kroger I purposely focus on the task at hand to avoid being open to having the Spirit lead.
4. Defensiveness- Not that I have to have the last word, but I have to make sure you get your facts straight before ever taking criticism.
5. Friendships- I hold them too tightly out of security. I need to be ok with their coming and going for seasons.
6. Distractions- Social media, movies, video games, etc. Life is happening all around me and sometimes it’s better to just be in it, than to share about it.
It’s a start at least. So for these next couple months I’m going to press in more. If there has been one major theme for this past year it’s been surrender. Just when I think I’ve laid all I can down I find more, and I have to tell you it doesn’t get any easier. There is so much I will be missing out on here, but it would be a tragedy to think on that while I am somewhere else in the world doing things for something so much bigger than myself.
