The steady rain outside hardly provides the solace and peace it usually gives me on a sleepless night. Instead, it reflects the inner part of my being trying to settle itself for what is to come. I have been attempting to stay grounded and push in spiritually, but I would hardly call it successful. Sometimes I catch myself wondering what God is trying to teach me right now when I think it’s one thing. I guess that’s part of the problem. I’m thinking it’s one thing. There I go putting him in a box again.
Right now things have been hard because I’ve come to a point where there is nothing left for me to really do in regards to fundraising. I am incredibly close to being fully funded (roughly just $2,200), but I hit a snag a little bit ago concerning my car. I still owed $1,500 on my loan and the last thing I wanted to do was be paying that while I was gone, so, all the spare money I had for the trip and when I got back went to paying that off. That was probably one of the hardest financial decisions ever. I had a peace about it and I knew that’s what God wanted me to do. What I didn’t realize is that he used it to strip another layer off in control. I took comfort in that extra cushion and now it’s gone. Now what? How am I gonna pay for an elephant ride? Or if I had to get treatment at a clinic? But, true to his character he gently reminds me even now “have I not provided thus far? Leave room for me to surprise you more.” Funny thing is, I asked for it. It was a sincere request I had because I almost never get surprised. Ever. I typically figure things out before they happen if someone tries planning something for me, or in some situations, and I hate it. I hate that I always try to figure things out because it takes away the fun. That tiny heartfelt prayer is where I’m at. God has all the room he needs because whenever and however it comes is totally how he sees fit. I have no influence or control.
When people ask how I’m feeling I honestly couldn’t pick just a couple emotions. Terrified and excited? Too many that I feel numb? Or maybe just nothing because it hasn’t fully sunk in yet. I don’t know. I’m not much of a feeler, I’m a thinker (seriously, my Meyers-Brigg is INTJ). So I guess God is also showing me more about myself. I process by thought, not feeling. They’re there, but they don’t influence and it’s hard describing it to people when they ask the universal question “how are you feeling?” Why is it we ask that and not also “what are you thinking?” Just a thought…ha.
So while I do my best to make the most of my last 2 weeks, just like day 1 of this journey I toss it back in God’s hands. His Word says sometimes we need to just believe and He does the rest. I don’t need to nudge, or prompt anything or anyone. Honestly I probably should just forget about it, but in my heart I anticipate what is to come. Besides, what fun is there in guessing?
