It’s late. I’ve been lying in ben trying to sleep the past 2 hours, but I can’t. My mind is restless.
“You’re going WHERE in Thailand?!”
“I hope you’re not going to any of those countries in Africa that have Ebola.”
“Shouldn’t you do a shorter one to get acclimated?”
Pause a second. These are just a few comments I’ve gotten from individuals when I tell them about the race. All very valid concerns, however I would sometimes leave the conversation feeling frustrated. I want to just blurt out “do you even really trust God will take care of me?” Then I begin to ponder my own question and wonder if I do. This humbling realization took some wind out of my sails. My mind wandered to the thought of being in my tent having a bad day and not being able to text my parents or friends for comfort. That was scary to me. Think about it. We have that immediate familiarity at our fingertips any time. I know my squad will become family (actually they pretty much are) and God will use us to encourage one another, but even take that away and what’s left?
I felt a surge of panic. “Oh God what have I really signed up for?! I can’t do this! I don’t even want to think about it!” A peace came I wasn’t expecting and a simple question my mom has posed several times when I come to these crossroads popped up:
What’s the worst that can happen?
Well that’s easy! Everything!
Everything?
…no…
Be my everything. We sing it on Sundays or while driving around somewhere, but do we truly understand what that entails? I’m quickly realizing I don’t. When God becomes our everything, fear has no room. I will put on my happy face and say how excited I am but I won’t hesitate to also emphasized how terrified I am too. When people give me that look of concern it honestly makes me panic a little like “What? Should I be concerned about this? Is it really that bad?” Like they see something over my shoulder lurking and I have no clue. While I appreciate people showing they care, it doesn’t help. At all. In fact, I’d rather not hear it. Not because I’m turning a blind eye, but because I don’t have time to take your worries and carry them around for myself. It doesn’t protect me. It doesn’t make me feel more prepared and secure. Don’t tell or show you’re concerns that way. Take it to God and pray for me! Pray for my squad. Pray for the places we’re going and the food we’ll be consuming. Speaking against sickness and physical harm. For goodness sake that gives me more comfort than anything else you could tell me!
I want to be afraid, but I seriously cannot afford to. Not anymore. That’s one reason I wanted to do this. There is so much security I have built up around myself and it needs to go. If there is one thing I regret about myself, its that sometimes I don’t walk in boldness like I should (now some people will argue that, but this is different). I’m probably going to be more personal with this group of people than everyone I know here. God is going to strip my heart to its core. To know I will be that vulnerable and exposed is freaking scary.
Last week at the church I work for we had a women’s conference which was super hero themed. Awesome. My nerdy side embraced it, but past my inner fandoms was a message we all seek about our life. To be the heroes of our story. To know that we are something special. That we carry something that makes us different and we are something to be feared by the enemy. When scripture says the enemy “trembles” can you picture what that looks like? Have you ever been so scared you physically shake? It’s pitiful to see, and that’s just how satan reacts to the might of Jesus’ name! He is reduce to a pile of nerves! Ha!
Every message given during that conference made me want to give the Xena war cry and just start doing business for the kingdom. Made me think of the Israelites as they marched around Jericho and with a loud roar brought the walls down to rubble. I find it an interesting parallel to how satan reacts to us when we let out our war cry and prepare ourselves to fight for our King.
I’m stepping into a great unknown and there is something exhilarating about it. I want people to be excited for me, not afraid. I will say this though: In those moments I waiver a little bit, even just making slight light-hearted jokes out of fear, some of my friends give me the most serious look and sternly reply “you got this. I’m excited for you. God is going to move big time.” I can’t tell you how empowering that is to me. It’s like Jesus is staring at me through them and reminding me He’s right there and got it covered. I’m extremely blessed my job has privileged me to hear some incredible speakers like Lisa Bevere, and also surrounding me with a community of people eager to help and support however they can. I’ll be incredibly sad to leave them, but I can’t wait to share the journey with them too!
So. I ask you stand with me. Armor strapped, shield raised, and sword in hand. I have quite a few battles ahead, but thankfully we’ve already won the war. Instead of being fearful or worrying, place those concerns at the foot of the cross and let Christ work on strengthen your heart as well. We racers need that firm backing to build us up. It’s hard not living scared, but I can’t wait seeing the reward. As one speaker from the conference said “bravery is doing it scared.” And so I am.
