It’s been a little while since I’ve blogged. I’d like to say it’s because I’ve been swamped, but the truth is right now I’ve had more free time then I have all year. So I’ve basically been using that to just mentally prep. This past holiday we were blessed to have my brother home for a couple weeks before he gets deployed mid December for about the same length of time I’ll be gone. One thing I love about my little brother and I is we don’t ever really have to ask what the other is thinking or feeling. We just get it. We’ve both signed up for something big in our lives with a lot of uncertainties other than we will be changed. While making an errand run we were having small talk and discussing the upcoming life shift along with some concerns and frustrations. Glancing from the passenger seat I could see the pained expression in his eyes that he felt a little alone. Me too.
We know we’re going to see some things. Things we wish we could unsee. The anticipation leading up to this is very unsettling. If I’m going to be completely honest with myself and all of you I am utterly terrified. I have never been so afraid in my life. I fear the emotional pain, and knowing it will come. I know God is in it and I will be fine, but that doesn’t make the feelings go away. The question of “what have I gotten myself into?” has been a constant loop in my head. Not in a manner of talking myself out of this, but to be humbled. The gravity of my decision in being obedient is starting to sink in and I am slowly processing it.
I know God has given me this time to just be with him and soak in his word and presence. I spoke with one of our Squad coaches, Ruth, and she made the good point we will be pouring out, a lot. God is desperately telling me not to waste this time napping or finishing a video game. If I’m not able to press in now, I will be struggling even more later. Holy Spirit also reminded me this quiet time isn’t just for me, but those I will be serving with and for. It’s hard not kicking myself sometimes when I know I wasted a couple hours trying to beat a level in Zelda, but what bothers me is my nonchalant attitude.
It’s not my race. Never was, never will be. Never was about me and nothing in life ever should be. What does it look liked being stripped to one’s core and being totally exposed for who they are? That is what I truly fear. It’s easy to hide behind a comfortable life, but when pressure is added it mounts until the unsavory explodes forth. The aftermath is one of both shock and shame. Coming to a realization of my humanity even more is starting to break me down. My pride anyway. However it’s a peaceful and gentle breaking and one I believe will help have my heart ready. This is a season to detach and let go of our ties here, but even more importantly letting go of our former selves. The Kelsey I am will be no more. I will be very different and how I handle and look at things will be different.
I got brunch with a dear friend Saturday and she challenged me to write at the beginning of my journal how I see myself, and upon my return, reflect back and write how I see myself after the race. You have to be a little crazy to willingly put yourself in a position like we are. Like Peter though we have an opportunity to walk on water. How could we not take it? Thing is we’re not the only ones. I said it in the beginning of all this that God gives us the invitation, it’s open to everyone, but whom of us will raise our hands and step forth?
I see the waves and feel the emotions swirl around me and I know Jesus won’t let me drown. It’s the storm inside I’m having the hardest time navigating through. I’d like to say I think I’m prepared for the trip to come, but I’m totally not and I would be fooling myself if I said I was. In that I’d be relying on my own strength. The truth is God has me right where he wants me.
So even though I’m scared I take it as a good thing. It means I’m vulnerable and my trust needs to be in one place.
