This past month God has been dealing with my heart on blessings. I think our over emphasized supply and demand of life here in the US has made us numb to the blessings around us and some even turn a blind eye to the brokenness of others (I’m just as guilty of this). However deep in my heart it’s been a prayer of mine to not just say the robotic response of “thanks!” but to really mean it from my heart to let someone know I how genuinely I appreciate their support. I don’t want to take generosity for granted because I think we all to some degree have that entitled mindset. I mean look around. Everything we could possibly need and want is available to us. Dependency isn’t exactly embraced in our culture and in many cases is frowned upon.
This whole pre-race as I call it is all about dependency. Dependency on community, family, friends, and total strangers, but most importantly God. I can blow Facebook up all I want asking for help but he stirs the heart. That’s terrifying putting that much trust into something. Through that though it’s been an incredible lesson. I have seen an outpouring of support like I never expected from some people. This past week while I was driving home I have a good 45 minutes to drive and spend time with Holy Spirit. I’ve been trying to put into practice Philippians 4:8 and I think it’s starting to sink in my spirit:
“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.”
It takes longer for the heart to click than the head. Always been a huge struggle for me. So I’ve wanted this to be a journey for my heart more than anything. My prayer came from Psalm 51:10 saying “Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a loyal spirit within me.” To have that balance of heart and mind as Christ. Loyal and true to the Father with a genuine heart that never faltered and felt for every person he came into contact with. We try to deny it but we all can admit that we can tell when someone is being sincere or not. When someone is with us it’s encouraging and makes us feel loved and appreciated. What I’m embarking on is no small task and I could never do it in my own strength. It’s humbling when we have to approach with a need and rely that others act on the Spirit’s prompting to support somehow.
I realized that genuine thankfulness has begun to take root when a good friend of mine I’ve known for years decided to donate $200 a month for 5 months. She’s fresh out of college and getting married next January. When I got the check on the mail all it had was a simple card that read “Go change the world.” I cried. Other friends have also given when money is tight and committed to support however they can. I had thought this was primarily a journey between me and God, but I was so wrong. Seeing other people show their genuine support to help little me for a bigger purpose is incredibly humbling. How foolish to think this was about me. I don’t care if they give simply because it’s a “good thing to do” the fact someone believes even an ounce puts in perspective that dependency on God’s provision.
I know we’re not supposed base things off feelings, but when we are moved by true thankfulness there is this sense of love that comes. I’ve become more aware of little acts of kindness and my heart is moved. This journey is still in it’s early stages, but I look forward to having God change my heart even more and become more sensitive to Him and and goodness. I want to be moved when I think of Him. I want to swoon and have a genuine heart. A heart captivated. I don’t want a truly thankful heart just when I am need or any time a person shows kindness and love, but especially when I am hurting and in the valleys.
I am blessed. So, so incredibly blessed. I deserve none of it. I have done nothing to earn it. I am loved for who I am and God has privileged me to do a lot.
