Vulnerability scares me. It makes me feel extremely uncomfortable and uneasy, almost a “sick to your stomach” sort of feeling. It makes me feel exposed.
I have felt vulnerable ever since I accepted to go on the World Race. I have been attacked by Satan constantly and more consistently then I have been in a long time. I have felt like I have neglected my time spent with God, have become easily angered and restless over the smallest things, and have let my insecurities control my every thought.
When we become vulnerable, we have two options: we can either turn to God for guidance and rest in His presence, or we can try to cope with it through other means…turning to anger, anxiety, wanting control, etc. Right now, I am running…running away from God, and feeling guilty and unworthy of His love, grace, and mercies.
This morning, I finally started talking to God again.
Why do I run from you, Lord? I know of your promises and your love for me, but yet I find myself scared, unworthy, guilty, and fearful.
I long to love you in the storms, but I fear that you won’t pull through.
My faith is weak, I feel vulnerable and restless.
I take control of my life and hold on with everything that I have.
The more I want to run to you, the farther I feel from your presence.
Grow my faith, Lord.
Take down my prideful nature and let me surrender my life to you.
Help me let go
of fears
of insecurities
of my pride
of my anger
of my anxieties
I want to have the courage to be vulnerable.
Amen.
When I read the story in Luke 15 about the parable of the prodigal son, I understand how the son felt. After leaving his father and spending everything he had, he decided to go back to his father’s house. He knew he had sinned, and he felt unworthy of being his father’s son. What I love about this parable is what the father does when he sees his son from a distance.
“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. The son said to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.’ So they began to celebrate.” (Luke 15:20-24)
This is how God feels when we come back to him. God sees us and comes running toward us, and welcomes us with His loving and open arms. We may feel unworthy, inadequate, vulnerable, and sinful. But God is faithful and waiting for us to come back to him just as we are. And when we do, he has a celebration prepared for us like we have never seen before.
