I hope this is a captivating title because this is a captivating story.
This is the story of how a freak out moment was combatted with God’s perspective.
Remember when I kept saying that I was struggling with the idea of being the perfect missionary? If you missed it, read a few blogs back to the Ugly Cried blog post. Comparison is still the root of all heartache, and no one wins when we compare ourselves. I still had this idea of her— the perfect missionary– contorting all of the truth in my brain.
The one thing I “knew” would keep me at that perfect missionary level (currently laughing at myself as I’m writing this) is my Bible.
I LOVE my Bible.
It’s chock-full of wisdom.
Pages upon pages in my Bible are filled with notes from fantastic sermons, revelations during solo times, and insights learned from Bible studies.
In the back of my Bible, I wrote key words that correlated with verses (e.g. remembrance in the Old Testament, do not fear, godly leadership, light shines through the darkness, surprising peace, when undergoing trial, etc.). I used these as my reference points more than I used His Word.
Yikes– this will make more sense later.
I remember during the summer (right before training camp), I heard three specific sermons and was forcing myself to write down all of the wisdom and insights in my Bible I could possibly write so I would have it as an encouragement when I go into training camp and the world race. I stressed out about it, really– as in if I didn’t write it down, I would never remember the wisdom.
But then… life happened.
I moved from Seattle, Washington to Newport Beach, California. I moved into my grandma’s house for the first 5 days, and then I moved into a house I was housesitting in Tustin, California for the rest of the month while still making plenty of trips to Newport Beach.
I put my Bible and my journals together in a specific place so I wouldn’t loose them (irony).
I remember using my Bible the first Sunday I was home, but I mainly gravitated to picking up my journals since I had the Bible app on my phone.
The time in between training camp and launch wasn’t restful, and to be honest, I didn’t spend a lot of time with the Lord. As I went about completing tasks on my to-do lists, I was doing it out of my flesh. It wasn’t sustainable, and I remember always feeling really stressed out. I had no time to rest. Looking back, if I sacrificed time to rest with God, I am SURE the time between training camp and launch would have been more restful and rejuvenating. But that’s a whole other story.
I looked for my Bible one day and couldn’t find it.
Surly it would turn up before I left for my year of missions work on the World Race, I thought at the time.
What’s funny is that I did a Bible verse project where I wrote down 150 Bible verses on index cards with insights and revelations on the back of them. I didn’t touch my Bible once during this project. It was all led by the Spirit as He put verses on my mind to write down. I would use google to write the verses word-by-word, but all of it was driven by Holy Spirit.
Then… it happened.
The day before I left for the World Race, I panicked.
My Bible was yet to be found, and I was freaking out.
How was I supposed to be a missionary if I didn’t have a Bible?! How was I supposed to lead my team well without all of the insight I had learned from sermons and Bible studies?! How was I going to evangelize to people in countries without my references to Gospel-related verses?! What if I never remembered the insight or wisdom!? What if I was going to fail at this whole missionary thing?!
But then it hit me– well, the Spirit hit me, really.
God said, “Kels– you don’t need to rely on the words of humans. Rely on my Word, alone.”
Ah– yes. The Lord convicted me that I was relying too much on insights, wisdom, and revelations from people rather than relying on the Word, itself.
I didn’t realize I was putting God in a box– limiting His power by thinking He couldn’t possibly speak wisdom through His word into my life. I thought I had to write all of it down or else I wouldn’t remember it. I was deceived that it was all up to me. I was leading out of my flesh.
God quickly reminded me that His Spirit lives within me.
Memories flooded my head with different ways the Lord provided the words to say when I didn’t know what to say. When I met with people I was nervous to talk to, people who had experienced trauma, people who had hurt me, people I wanted to affirm– more often then not, I had no idea what to say, Holy Spirit provided wisdom, and I forgot what I had said during the conversation.
Has this happened to you before?
As children of God, the Spirit lives within us. He is our counselor and our helper. His Spirit always takes over when we humble ourselves and acknowledge we can’t do it all on our own. It’s beautiful when we let Holy Spirit move.
Who am I to think Holy Spirit couldn’t provide new wisdom, insights, and revelations?!
Who am I to put God in a box?
Who am I to hold past wisdom, insights, and revelations so tightly?
Who am I to doubt Holy Spirit would keep refining me and surprising me?
God’s Word & His Spirit are what I need– not the words I write down with my pen.
His Word is enough.
And so, yes, I lost my Bible before launching on The World Race.
In that moment, the Lord surprised me with peace.
I felt like the Lord was telling me that He wants me to start a new relationship with His Word. God wants to breathe a new life into His Word. He doesn’t want me to depend on the wisdom of the past, but of His Spirit in the present.
God is all about new beginnings and clean slates.
I was feeling burnt out this summer, and I wasn’t in the Word as much as I wanted to be.
God is all about making beautiful things out of the dust.
He listens.
I wouldn’t have admitted it to Him… but He knew what I needed.
And so, just as God does, He made a way.
He showed up, He called me out, and He raised me up.
And because He did, I’m going to benefit from growing closer to Him because of it.
I’ll become more of the woman Christ created me to be.
Peace + Grace,
Kels
